This is a terrible place to stay! The sheets are scratchy, the pillow is thin and the recreational activities sorely limited! 1 1/2 ⭐️
Yelp: Its prison ma’am.
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*Joins sleep study to get a full night’s rest away from my kids*
The person who came up with “happily ever after” probably didn’t realize humans would live longer than 34 years.
*peeking out the curtains, sighing heavily* Honeyyyy we’ve got sexy singles in our area again
*getting the broom*
Shoo! Shoo! Terry, you have to stop leaving hard seltzers on the porch, it attracts them,
Stick with me and you’ll go places.
None of them good, but still.
The princess and the pea
But me, finding a rogue cockroach in my shoe and almost shitting myself on the bus
It’s just too late in the day for me to investigate the overwhelmingly strong mustard smell in my kids’ bathroom.
People in my neighborhood think I’m power walking, but really I’m just trying to get home to poop.
Going to change my wifi network name to…
Someone Please Help Me
And give this neighborhood something to talk about.
Someone suggested that I try Acupuncture. I don’t think adding more pricks will make a difference.
I just found my new favorite conspiracy theory …
Remember when everyone died before gluten-free bread?
The other day I walked past a neighbor’s house and the parrot on their porch whistled at me.
If I were a therapist, I would prescribe this to everyone with depression, every day, forever.
BRB gonna walk past my neighbor’s house
(Musicians.)
Don’t we all get absurdly territorial when a spider spins a web in that special corner of the house where we would have built our cocoon if humans did that?
Just killed a spider IN MY BED!! So if you need me, I’ll be burning down my home and looking for a new place to live.
NEWS ANCHOR: Here’s Gary with day 1 of his outdoor summer weather report.
GARY: [frying an egg on the sidewalk]
I quit. Back to you, John.
ain’t no way there’s billions of us and nobody got superpowers
Oh eggs, through yonder window break. For I am the olive oil, and Juliet is the vinegar. Salt to taste. Blend to desired thickness
– Romayo and Juliet
if you were really my friend, you’d know my favorite kitchen utensil. it’s the ladle. ok we’re friends now.
Always a massive red flag than when a guy lists “The Art of War” as one of his favorite books. It’s like, you’re an accountant, Brent, you’re not Tyrion Lannister
yesterday I met a guy for coffee and he asked what I’d like to drink and went and fetched the order. And he came back with two cake pops and I was like aw that’s cute! and then he ate them both. in front of me.
………….so like he’s clearly a monster right
My husband, the world’s most notorious non- morning person, set an alarm for 4am today. Early workout? No. Big day at the office? No. Ladies and gentlemen, it’s golf. Not to PLAY golf, mind you, he set an alarm for 4am to WATCH GOLF.
When all the grocery stores are out of food, those fish holding Tinder dudes will look pretty damn good.
The best revenge is living well unless you have a crossbow.
Anyone who has ever said “I’m just going to let these dishes soak” has no intention of doing those dishes
[First date]
Her dad: I want her home before midnight
Me: but you already own her home
Dad: *turning to daughter* if you don’t sleep with him, I will
When I used to drink, by this time on a weekend y’all would’ve already seen me mostly naked. Y’all should be especially thankful for my sobriety.
“Here’s the problem… You’ve got a Pokémon up there”
– me, as a proctologist
Yes little lemonade stand girl, I do want change from that twenty dollar bill.
A child is being pushed around in a pink toy convertible while eating a chocolate frosted donut, and I want to ask her how she got this job.