“What do you prefer strength or length?” *How I talk to my friends … apparently about toilet rolls
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“Moooooooo”
– bilingual donkey
In Maryland we can’t legally carry concealed weapons so our best defense against being murdered is the zig-zag runaway.
Parenting Hack: Any dessert that can’t be split evenly between your kids is now yours.
My parents are still threatening to put me up for adoption.
My neighbor told me to close the curtains when I’m naked, but then I don’t get that cool sensation of pressing up against the window glass
He said it’s canoodle night later, and I thought great, I love lasagna.
I started calling all three of my children by their last name. You’d think that would increase my chances of one of them acknowledging me, but you’d be wrong.
Turns out 83% of parenting is finding their shoes every morning.
[At McDonald’s]
Me: Is the ice cream machine working?
Employee: Yes.
Me: Great! I’ll have a…
Employee: APRIL FOOLS!!!!!
Judge: Show us on this doll where the man hurt you.
Me: He didn’t. But watch this.
[I make the doll do a backflip]
Judge: Holy shit lol
I will never stop laughing at this
the craziest thing about plants is like you look up “why are leaves brown” and it’s like “maybe you’re watering them too much. but also maybe not enough. maybe they’re getting too much sunlight. but also maybe they’re not getting enough sunlight. hope this helps :)”
kids in new york be like “i take the train to school” ok harry potter
In the Ben Affleck version, Batman’s parents kill themselves.
Like watching a full length movie – but in just 27-seconds…
“We should get a bell so that when we need you we can just ring it” – my child, hiring me as his servant
The reason I don’t like Facebook’s “memories” feature is because it shows me 6 years ago wearing the same shirt I have on right now.
Not saying you’re shady but there is a family of squirrels gathered around your ankles.
That awkward moment you run into someone in public that you know, and there is nowhere to hide.
*Welsh Cities lining up outside Starbucks; the barista who writes the names on the cups starts hyperventilating and looking for an exit*
Relationship- Significant other
Writer- Significant Author
Round Table- Significant Arthur
Corporations- Significant Auditor
Zookeeper- Significant Otter
The only way I would find gender reveal parties even remotely okay is if the guests had the option to boo when the gender is revealed
Herbal tea…for when you want to drink some scented hot water.
Why is it called a “prison compound” and not a “guilt complex”?
doctor: what seems to be the problem
t-rex: I cant feel my legs
doctor: go on
t-rex: because I’ve got little arms
doctor: get out
The Supreme Court is really just a regular court with tomatoes and sour cream.
I think more men would go to therapy if it was competitive. “Fourteen points in healthier communication? Yes! Eat my dust, Kyle! You emotionally unavailable loser!”
[5 mins after being stranded on an island with a group of people]
Me: who do we eat first
“I was thinking of all the shit I hate, so I made a list of all the shit I hate”
*notices you don’t care
*adds you to list of shit I hate
10 puts the paper toilet roll on in the “under” position.
long story short he’s by the road with a for sale sign on.