Me: Walks in with an exact copy of my husband.
Him: I said cologne.
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I told someone I was 30 and they said “that’s okay.”
Find someone who looks at you like Roger looks at a barbecue.
Golf would be better with landmines.
I made HUGE surprise plans for my wife’s birthday tonight–dinner, dancing, champagne, the works–but the babysitter just cancelled & now we can’t do anything!
Did that sound believable to you guys? If you were my wife would you suspect, hypothetically, that I didn’t make plans?
*accidentally walks into lion’s den
*goes back to party in lion’s living room
some people are so convincing that if they say thermodynamics is a flask, I believe
Me: you shouldn’t be working here, you’re a human being
Hooters waitress: look, it was my choi-
Me: seriously, where are the owl waiters
i couldn’t do an interview from home i don’t have enough bookshelves to sit in front of
#ImNotWorriedCuz I’ve got a license
1818: My dearest Katherine, I write this letter in the hope that it finds you. It has been 3 fortnights since our last correspondence. I fear the lack of communique means you may have finally succumbed to the pox…
2018: Bro i texted u 10 mins ago u ded?
There’s always that one guy
Therapist: OK, lie on the couch for me.
Woman: I’m a penguin.
Therapist: No, I meant lie down.
I know my computer doesn’t have a virus because I’ve never had an 8-bit skull and crossbones pop up onscreen laughing.
My alarm went off and I pressed the Sneeze button instead of the Snooze button. Gonna be a long nine minutes
Little Old Lady: i want to put my house on the market
Realtor: ok, where is it?
Little Old Lady: um, right here
Realtor: thats… *sighs* thats a shoe
Little Old Lady: it’s my home
Realtor: do you at least have the other shoe?
Little Old Lady: i cant even afford this one
CNN: do u want notifications for breaking news
Me: for really important stuff i guess
CNN: an Iowa woman just ate 37 McRibs
Me: i said impor-
CNN: using chopsticks
Me: she did what
I don’t have an insurance policy on myself because there’s no sense in tempting my wife more than she already is.
I’m afraid we’re on the brink of WW3 ( Wonder Woman 3 )
Wife: Did you hear what I said?
Me: No, I was in a different room.
Wife: If you couldn’t hear me, why did you let me keep talking?
Me: …
Guys, check out this cool trick I learned. Take your upper lip and make it touch your lower lip. Now keep them like that.
People who talk to themselves are more intelligent then those who don’t, or at least that’s what I like to tell myself.
My husband wants to Facetime me while he’s in Germany. I’m like, it’s going to be a little awkward with my boyfriend in the background, but whatever.
I have a devil tattooed on each shoulder cause I hate arguments.
whoa whoa whoa we both like to laugh?!
*pretends hand is a telephone*
“Hello, Las Vegas? One marriage, please!”
Thanks to daylight saving time, my kids now have an extra hour to fight with each other.
This hospital has everything
Took me thirty five minutes to tighten the screw in my glasses because I didn’t have my glasses on.
fiat earther: nasa are lying to us, all of the pictures of the earth are fake
me: ok but even if that were true, why would it make the earth flat?
fiat earther: it isn’t, it’s shaped like an Italian car, didn’t you read my name?
4: “Can I say fuh?”
Me: “Don’t…”
4: “Can I say king?!”
Me: “NoooOOOOOOO!”