Remember when movies didn’t show you the entire plot in the trailer?
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People on Twitter are like “My fake kid can out debate your fake kid on whatever world issue is currently fake popular!”
There’s a big difference between seminary school and semenary school.
Terminate an unwanted conversation with someone you haven’t seen for years with the words, “Wow. You’ve aged badly…”
You and what army? That should be your first question to the HOA.
I always hated videos of animals being shot with tranquilizer darts to trap and transport them.
Now, I’m calculating the toddler dosage.
It’d be funny if Hannibal Lecter was a terrible cook. Just microwaving kidney quesadillas or whatever. Mac & cheese with chopped up fingers.
Frenchmen, still hiding inside The Statue of Liberty: soon.
So apparently “You can’t tell me what to do, you’re not my real dad!” isn’t of much use when dealing with armed cops.
This is a sub tweet
“It’s five o’clock somewhere” I say as I leave work at 9am
Whenever I get a “Final Notice” letter from a bill collector, I assume this concludes our business transaction.
timmy was starting to wonder just how badly he really wanted that archery badge
Went on a date a year ago with an atheist vegan libertarian anti-vaxxer conspiracy theorist who vapes and does CrossFit. I snuck out the bathroom window 45 minutes in, but rumor has it he’s still telling me about himself.
Free advice: Saying “meaty shaft” in a corporate meeting is like saying bomb on an airplane.
if you want all your cereal boxes and chip bags to look like they were opened by a wild monkey, kids might be for you.
Therapist: Did someone refer you to me?
“Yes, everyone.”
Typos is the Greek god of spelling errors
Embarrassed that our 8 year old walked into the bedroom at 2am and saw us pulling the blanket to hide our phones and cheese sticks.
If you can make dinosaurs out of a mosquito in amber and some frogs you can probably also make dinosaurs that don’t want to escape and murder everyone feels like maybe Jurassic Park should have workshopped this more.
I exposed my kids to comedy in the womb. I was hoping it would get me a better delivery.
Someone in my neighborhood is cooking bacon and now I’m wondering if I should have been more friendly to my neighbors for the last 18 years.
It takes a smoke detector 4 months to stop beeping if you were wondering how lazy I am.
Sometimes the only reason I leave my house is so when someone asks about my day I don’t have to say “Netflix and avoiding responsibilities”
Easing back into Twitter is like slipping on your own shit
Horrifying, yet familiar
Them: Describe the joys of parenthood in 2 words.
Me: The what?
-911 what’s your emergency?
-People are pronouncing it EX-presso.
Find you a woman that spends her night using lunchable meat to try stealing stray cats from the local gas station
presidents day is just a holiday created by “Big President” to get us to buy more presidents
Bird: Can I eat bugs off you and use you as a toilet?
Rhino: What’s in it for me?
Bird: I’ll warn you of danger
Rhino: I don’t have predators
Bird:
Rhino:
Bird: Okay I was trying to be polite but this is happening
broke secret sevrice guy turns his pocket inside out and strangles an assassin with it. opens wallet and unleashes a torrent of moths at him