SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: *eats a sandwich brought from home*
SUBWAY MANAGER: hey no outside artwork
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I threw my cat a surprise party. Long story short, I need 30 stitches and learned I should never scream ‘SURPRISE’ directly in my cat’s face
Watching someone cook is really sexy.
But I recommend you make sure they are unconscious before you put them in the pan.
31 years old, still bitterly disappointed by what “carpool” means.
*spits out mouthful of blood* it’s gonna take more than that to kill me
Dentist: for the love of God just floss
wife: what’s the house of your dreams?
me: fireplace in each room. and there’s a bear walking around and it only speaks spanish. also the floor is quicksand.
wife:
me:
wife:
me: oh you mean like a house i wish we lived in.
Manager: If you continue to solicit your “magical services” to any more customers, I’ll be contacting the police. Do I make myself clear?
Me, lowering voice: You’re still pretty visible but I do know a guy
[airplane strafes the ground with machine guns]
Mozzarella: *checks self* I’m OK.
Cheddar: Me too! That was close, eh Swiss? …Swiss?
[sideline]
QB: Do you think I should go for it?
COACH: I say go for it[huddle]
CENTER: So?
QB: Would you like to go for a coffee sometime?
me: *applies to cult*
cult: no thx
I’d survive scream bc i don’t answer the phone ever
You could never commit the JFK assassination today. You’d be cancelled
Me: [returning organic fertilizer] I don’t need this shit.
7yr old: What’s 10+10+10+25+25+5+1+1?
Me: Math
#FeaturesIWishMyHouseHad
Wish it had walls
Pretty sure I burned off a print making dinner, so if anyone needs my right middle finger for doing crimes, hit me up.
9: Where’s mom?
Me: Out the back
9: Australia?
M: Out THE back, not the Outback!
9: What’s she doing?
M: Playing with her didgeridoo, I think
[Speed Date]
Me: Hi. Could you show me on this Venn Diagram where alcohol & donuts overlap in your daily life?
Him: I..
Me: Too slow. NEXT!
jane austen understood that nothing is sexier than standing seven feet away from someone, making brief eye contact, and then going home
I would guard your potatoes so hard.
The fall of Netflix
It is with a heavy heart that I announce I will no longer be accepting mayonnaise as a form of payment because SOME of you *glares at the crowd* made it weird.
Found out that my girl puts peas in her Mac n Cheese… Our whole relationship is a lie… Why couldn’t she just sleep with someone else like a normal person?
My phone:
My phone:
My phone:
My phone:
My hands: holding anything messy.
My phone: *ring*
Waking up late is a great way to see which steps of your personal hygiene routine are really unnecessary.
In my experience, bowling and pancakes have the same energy.
High hopes at the beginning, lowered self-esteem at the end.
I never have a problem sharing my fries with my lovely wife (I got a second order just for me that I already ate on the drive home)
I’d rather fork than spoon.
What’s the most upsetting moment in every movie? I say it’s when the hero goes into bar and orders “a beer,” never says what kind, and the bartender doesn’t ask
Whenever I worry if I’m being a good mom or not I remind myself that someone out there named their kid Abcde so the bar is like, really low
Sorry I’m late to work! I died of cholera back in 1805