FORENSIC SCIENTIST: The killer is a Chimpanzee.
COP: How can you be sure?
GWEN STEFANI: *looking up from microscope* This shit is bananas.
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Astrophysicists still struggling to explain the Big Bang Theory: “It’s a corny show! We just don’t get it!” said one astrophysicist.
Parents *before their kids performance*: Here, snort these four lines of organic sugar
My daughter has a terrible mouth and I don’t know where the f*** she’s learning this sh**.
Sardine Wife: “What’s wrong?”
Sardine Husband: “I just need some space, Linda.”
Sardine Wife: “WHERE EXACTLY SHOULD I GO, KENNETH”
me: [arriving in heaven] so did anybody cry at my funeral
god: oh actually your body is still in the ball pit
I grew up between two pig farms. So, you had me at “farm fresh” and lost me at “air.”
Just went for a piss while still wearing my microphone and the whole conference heard me call the urinal a “thirsty boy”
If the way I shelled this hard boiled egg is any indication of how the rest of the day will go, I should just climb back into bed.
I wrote a Facebook status asking what’s happening in Young Sheldon and then unfriended everyone who replied.
My 6-year-old: Why did you give money to that man?
Me: Some people don’t have a home or job & need help. We may not have a ton of money, but-
6: Is that because you keep giving it away??
Cop: This spot is for frog parking only
Me: Oh yeah. What are you gonna do about it?
*gets toad*
The Award for Best Actor goes to my husband for his role in “I’m Not Sleeping. I’m Just Resting My Eyes.”
pharaoh: make my tomb a giant triangle
architect: ah yes, the triangle shape is strong and sturdy & the sides will be sloped so you can symbolically climb into the afterlife
pharaoh: [thinking about using it as a giant slide] yes
corona got the club empty asf me and the DJ just chillin listening to frank ocean with the strobe lights goin rn
I don’t like revenge. Just one venge is enough.
ME: *introducing date to my parents* It’s some kind of desert raisin.
Wait til the people so excited about all-day breakfast at McDonald’s find out they can make breakfast at home whenever they want.
So in The Matrix they feed you the liquified remains of the dead through a tube but you get to sleep and be online all day? I’m listening.
“Ostriches can’t fly” said the totally racist stewardess who made me dismount my ostrich & board the plane on foot like a lowly commoner
Maybe Tailgate wants to be banged. Did you ask? You don’t know.
Are you there God? It’s me, Margaret.
YES MY CHILD
Great! Amway is the largest multi-level marketing company worldwide. Our products range
*writing a new season for Game of Thrones* okay now let’s do a silly one
[hospital]
“The results are in. I’m afraid you have Bad Priorities Disease. You have 1 month to live.”But does my hair look good?
HER: *Points to my dish* I’ll have what he’s having
ME:*Blocks plate w/ my arms* This is mine
H: No, I mea-
M:*To waiter* Tell her it’s mine
I’m pretty sure I’m smarter than my cat, but he refuses to take the test.
It unnerves me, because that’s totally what a genius would do…
Her: Who’s your favourite character in the Muppet Show?
Me: The vampire
Her: He doesn’t count
Me: I can assure you that he does
my cornflakes bring all the boys to my yard
& theyre like
this cereals hard
damn right
my cereals hard
u should add milk
so its not so sharp
[job interview]
“So why do you want to be a jeweler?”ME(thinking about using that eye thing to appraise chicken nuggets): I love rubies
No one will even notice your holiday weight gain if you start carrying pie everywhere you go.
How much longer must I pretend to understand the eclipse, this is exhausting.