me: I want to spend a month on a desserted island
Wife: you mean deserted?
Me: no
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“I’m sorry, but are you suggesting what I think you’re suggesting?” -Fun way to confuse a waiter who just suggested a menu item
One day I want to wear jeans to the gym, just to watch the outrage.
Marvel are too COWARDLY to answer the REAL question: how many spiders can fit in one man
uber driver picked me up “dodger stadium? you goin to the game?” i was like “nah” and we both sat there in silence for the whole ride, both knowing i had lied
When attempting to make a good first impression imagine how important good grammar is. Wrong. Importanter.
[i get back from the supermarket]
wife: did you forget about dre
me: nope
wife: did you remember the alamo
me: yep
wife: did you get the eggs
me: goddammit
I have a book to read on
overcoming procrastination.I bought it in 2007.
My kids are really competing for least favorite today.
I passed a sofa on the expressway on my way to work….. I’ve never wanted to pull over so bad in my entire life
[chess tournament]
RIVAL: [plays move]
ME: [knocks board aside. punches rival in face] Chess!
COMMENTATOR: He’s won every round this way
I totally just realized that Dora the Explorer and Vlad the Impaler have the same middle name
I bought this 3 years ago without realizing what was on it and wore it to my daughter’s school play 😂😂
it’s fun to yell CHEESE! at a group of girls and watch them switch to their Facebook Poses
[ER]
Doctor: How did you sprain your ankle?Me: I rolled it during a marathon.
Doctor: That’s really impressive.
Husband: She tripped trying to beat a family to a food truck
Christmas decorations should come with coupons for couples counseling.
If you are going to microwave your steak in a cast iron skillet, make sure you season the skillet by running it through the dishwasher at least 3 times
“Hey pregnant, I’m dad”
….
….
….
…..
“Oh god wait.”
Telling my wife I’m taking her someplace fancy is my way of getting 4 hours to myself while she gets ready.
I’m working on a movie about the life of Pennywise the clown after he quits killing kids to pursue a career in sticky notes called: Post-It
“For I am Christ the Redeemer, He Who Saves!”- Jesus, using his coupons.
Who called it a wedding licence and not marry-time law
Assassins are just murderers who found a way to make money off their favorite hobby.
[God creating bears]
God: people will wanna hug ’em, but you really shouldn’t
I may not be perfect, but at least my cat loves m—oh he’s just hungry nvm
Ok Canada, poutine is great, but you should try putting mashed potatoes and gravy on the fries. I’d try it here but we don’t have universal healthcare.
There’s a button on this hotel phone that says, “Pizza”.
I may never leave.
Civil War reenactments are a lot like meetings. You do the same thing over and over again while waiting for your turn to die.
[hostage situation]
Any last words?
“Nah, I’m good.”
If you insist. *puts gun to head* Say you’re prayers.
“You are prayers. Lol.”
if Wonka had a spaghetti factory I’d get sucked into a marinara river tube so fast
Last week I ran out of toilet paper and only had a dollar so I bought a pack of gum at CVS.
I haven’t run out of receipt yet.