Always remember –
If you’re having a conversation with somebody that doesn’t speak English, just talk louder.
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MOST TIMES: i know all of the lyrics to this song and could sing it in my sleep
DURING KARAOKE: i don’t remember a single word, may have even forgotten about the very concept of music
7-year-old: I won breakfast!
Me: You can’t win breakfast. You just eat it.
7: Said the loser.
5: water poops dirt
me: only bodies poop
5: you said the lake is a body of water
me: well looks like you’re ready to move out & make it on your own
Probably the slowest way to die is sloth with a knife.
When coining nicknames, be sure it reflects how that person has impacted your life. For example, my two sons Buzzkill and Third Mortgage.
WHAT are birds so happy about at 7am? What? Oh, right. Pooping while airborne. Good one.
JOHN MAYER: i wanna run through the halls of my high school
ME: i do not relate
JOHN MAYER: i wanna scream at the top of my lungs
ME: [nodding] ok now we’re talking
Friend: You can’t believe anything in the papers these days. It’s all fake news.
Me: Even obituaries???
Friend: No, those are rea–
Me: [Already halfway down the street] Great news everyone, grandma’s alive!
“I got kicked out of a golf tournament for heckling a player with a funny name.”
“Boo Weekley?”
“No. I yelled. Loudly.”
Ads for 2020 would be like, have you ever wondered how it would feel if an entire lifetime was packed into one year? Now you can!
Airport beers are great because it means you are traveling and also that you hate your own money
Her: I like guys that are confident
Me *looking her square in the eye* worcestershire
[walks in meeting late]
“Sorry I was busy with important-”
SIRI (from pocket): OK here’s what I found on the web for are hot dogs sandwiches
[100 year old man on job interview]
“Do you have any references?”
Sure, hold on. *pulls out Ouija board*
If you’ve never baked pot brownies in an Easy Bake Oven… then you’ve never wrote an apology letter to your sister with an Etch A Sketch.
Kid: MOM WHERE ARE YOU
M: upstairs
K: WHERE?
M: upstairs
K: UPSTAIRS?
M: yes
K: UPSTAIRS OF THIS HOUSE?
M: what the? yes
K: ARE YOU UPSTAIRS
who called it hell and not heaven’t
Yes…
I retweet.
Isn’t that kinda the point?
Spread the love and shit?
Mostly shit…
But that’s your fault…
I would like to publicly state my support for Some Sex Marriage.
Curiosity gave the cat slightly high blood pressure but nothing to be concerned about.
despite threatening a hummingbird this morning I really do love nature.
WATER POLO INSTRUCTOR: “Are you sure you know what you’re doing?”
ME: [Adjusting the mask & snorkel on my horse] “Of course I do.”
I help my husband move furniture by saying “Oh my goodness, you are so strong” and “a little more to the left” and “so so strong” and “you know what, I liked it better the downstairs”
Got a new stove today and then ordered a pizza because I don’t want to ruin it by getting it dirty or anything.
wasn’t it like… bad on that boat?
I bet the hardest part of being a server is having to wait until people’s mouths are full before asking them how the food is.
*works out for six weeks
*loses 2 lbs
*eats a carrot
*gains it back
My TC promised me he likes it rough so, of course, I bought him a plane ticket. On United.
Do you have any candy? NEXT!
Do you have any candy? NEXT!
Do you have any candy? NEXT!~Me. Speed dating.
I have a hard time believing that bears made porridge & the only thing wrong with it was the temperature.