Post natal depression is a serious condition. I’m 38 years old and my mum still bursts into tears every time she sees me.
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I could be happily married to some dude for 50 year an id still be textin ma pals like “omg do u think he likes me???”
I always eat free range chicken… free range fish, free range hot dogs & free range ramen. (Somebody gave me this old stove)
a murder of crows, a pride of lions, a virgin of gamers
*i open my briefcase, take out a picture of a block of velveeta cheese & slide it across the table to my financial manager*
how can i purchase one of these?
I’ve never been to hell, but I once forgot to buy batteries for my 6 year old son’s toys on Christmas morning.
I will probably never be the tallest person in the room, but I will certainly be the highest
I dropped a telephone book on my foot, and when I called 911, they just sent a police car to arrest me for having a phone book in my house
me: three breakfast sandwiches, two everything bagels, four chocolate donuts, and coffee
drive-thru person: how many coffees?
me: one please
looks legit
Parenting is cheering on your kid’s winning softball team all weekend and then cheering on the Sunday rain for cancelling the rest of the games.
Awww, I remember when I was 18 and thought I was an adult too. Good times.
My toddler pretended to leave for work this morning with no pants and a lunchbox full of mini donuts so my question is where do I apply for this job
me: okay, thank you!
boss: thank you more!
me, whispering: we can’t do this, you have a family.
boss: what
me: what
[Bar]
me: Gimme one more
wife: I think you’ve had enough
m: Last one
w: Fine
m: *asks waitress for another kids menu so I can do the maze*
China over there sending us Valentines day balloons to woo us amd we just shoot them down and enemy-zone them.
How Jesus was named:
Mary: Joseph, I’m having a baby.
Joseph: JESUS CHRIST!
Q: What’s the safest place to be during a North Korean missile strike?
A: The place they are aiming at.
Dammit, stop summoning me to fight global warming! I’ll believe it when the remaining 3% of scientists believe it! -Republican Capt. Planet
Me: Would you like a sample?
Boss: What are you doing?
Me: Handing out free samples.
Boss: No, you’re supposed to take samples from people, not hand them out!
Me: This is a weird Costco.
Boss: This is a sperm bank and you’re fired.
Saw Little Women. Totally misleading title. They stayed normal-sized the whole time. 2 stars.
Karl’s toupee isn’t fooling any one
Me: I’ve got distressed genes.
Friend: Don’t you mean distressed jeans.
M: Have you met my family?
When hipsters replaced hippies, we lost free love and drugs and got skinny jeans. Worst. Trade. Ever.
*carrying an armload of condoms to the CVS counter*
Excuse me, where are the fitting rooms?
Imagine being a ghost in a school and you think no one notices you, but then one day you hear everyone talking about ‘school spirit’ and you get super pumped and think ‘man, maybe they DO know im here’ and then you find out that school spirit is a pizza lunch and jeans day
me: i have good and bad news
her: bad first
me: there’s a dead body in the woods near the train tracks
her: what’s the good news
me: i found waldo
Arranged my own kidnapping.
Found out after the fact that there’s no actual napping involved.
I’m awake, in a trunk. This is bullshit.
Are you going to Scarborough Fair?
No mate, sounds shit.
What I really need to know is what exactly is a marie kondo, and can I eat one?
I love going places just to spend the entire time taking my kids to the bathroom