Me: Do you want in or out?
My dog: Yes.
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My proper Mom said to get fully dressed for a party and then remove one item.
But people always give me odd looks when I don’t wear pants.
Me: *cooking a Caribbean meal*
Her: smells great in there, and I hear you’re playing a little steel drum music to get us in the mood
Me: *frantically scraping cremated jerk chicken from pan* steel drum music, yes
Teen horror movies taught me one thing. Vampires really want to hang around with us.
ME: Let’s go get some chicks
[later]
FRIEND: This isn’t what I had in mind
ME: Shhh *carefully places tophat on baby chicken* this is Abe
[1st date]
HER: I love the idea of marriage. What are your thoughts on it?
ME: [trying to impress her] I have 6 wives
Warning: objects in your rear may feel larger than they they appear.
They say if you choose a job you love, you’ll never work a day in your life.
I have to work tomorrow.
Big props to the guy who realized we don’t need to mention air in the word airplane and started saying plane.
I drove past the prison and saw a small man climbing down a wall.
I thought, well that’s a little condescending.
I only look good from one angle and if someone could please tell me what that angle is I’d be grateful
Three golf clubs walk into a bar.
The putter ordered a beer, the pitching wedge ordered a gin & tonic.The barman asked the third one if he wanted anything,
He replied “No thanks, I’m the driver”.
#Wednesdaymorning
My son told me that it doesn’t matter what way the towels face when he puts them away and it’s almost like he wants to see my eye do that twitchy thing.
When they said “it takes a village” I thought they were referring to raising a child not keeping up with laundry.
Once there was a dead bat in our driveway, but he shrieked at me when I tried to pick him up and that’s how I found out dead bats are jerks.
There is no “five second rule”…
Just a “shame-to-hunger” ratio.
[first date]
Her: I love your scent, what is it?
Me: desperation.
They say you’ll never forget your first kiss, but what they don’t tell you is you will also never forget the first time you throw up everything you consumed at the state fair.
*goes swimming in Australia*
*is attacked by sharks*
*crawls gasping onto deserted beach*
*thanks god*
*is promptly eaten by crocodiles*
do you know who else makes a Big Mac using all 54 ingredients so I don’t have to
[text]
Me: Where are you?
Boy: home
Me: Let’s verify that. You have 3 minutes to send me a photo of the inside of our freezer.
Oh wow, I didn’t recognize you with a nose.
Me, meeting anyone from instagram.
I gave one kid a laser pointer and told the other to catch the dot.
Follow me for more pro-parenting tips.
If you drop a peanut in a shag rug forget it, let it go.
As Head Priestess of the North Glendale coven…in addition to requesting YET AGAIN everyone sign up for unholy committee duties…I’ll reiterate that your amulets MUST be smaller than mine, yes I mean yours Susan. Also there’s a Prius blocking the driveway. All hail the Dark Lord.
her: this is the worst date EVER
me: ugh. i told you not to eat the pit
Should have let Marvel produce 2020.
I have faith in unanswered prayers, unless I am stepping on the scale.
Just told a teen about the music I listened to when I was her age & she said “that’s cool, I love the oldies,” so today I do my first murder
“You know where you are? You’re in the jungle, baby. You gonna DIIIIIIIEEEEEEE!!!! …Only Kidding! Welcome to Red Lobster, party of 2?”