A quick way to get your kids to leave you alone is to say, “I need to make your dentist appointment.”
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My children’s inheritance is just 2,000 bottles of partially used nail polish.
Give a man a fish and he’ll go to McDonald’s instead.
Teach a man to fish and nope, still McDonald’s
The difference between looking at a kaleidoscopic as a kid vs as an adult.
The migraine that follows.
Milk crates are like a Swiss Army knife for the poor…
Need a stool? Milk crate!
A bookshelf? Milk crate! A side table? Two milk crates!
If you’re angry at somebody and subtweeting them and it’s not me please add “Not you Jim.” at the end. Thank you.
I just want to be rich enough to stop giving people toilet paper for Christmas
NO I WOULD NOT LIKE TO KNOW WHAT FRUIT MY BODY IS SHAPED LIKE
Been getting harassed by motion activated Halloween decorations all day. Pray for delivery drivers everyone
God: you’re a mosquito.
Mosquito: what does that mean?
God: you feed on blood.
Mosquito: i’m a vampire?
God: no.
Mosquito: oh.
God: you can fly.
Mosquito: i’m a vampire!
God: no.
Mosquito: oh.
God: garlic repels you.
Mosquito: [happy gasp] i’m an itty-bitty vampire!
HR called me in today and told me I have a bad attitude. So they’re transferring me over to IT and giving me a raise.
I’m constantly amazed that only 26 letters in the alphabet can produce so much bullshit.
The Goonies went looking for pirate treasure and ended up finding the greatest treasure of all: pirate treasure.
when you finally break down and clean the kid’s bathroom
[first day as a paramedic]
How much of their blood are we allowed to drink?
Welcome to parenthood, WHY ARE THE SCISSORS NOT IN THE GODDAMN DRAWER??
She’s a 10 which makes it hard for her to find decent shoes.
“Name?” queries the Starbucks barista. The almighty feathered serpent Quetzalcoatl only sighs.
God: you’re a pack animal.
Wolf: what does that mean?
God: it means you live with other wolves.
Wolf: like all the time?
God: yep!
Wolf: d-do I have to?
God:
Wolf:
God:
Wolf: [slides $20 across table].
God: [pockets money] you’re a lone wolf.
Wolf: yay : )
*first date*
Her: I’m a criminologist.
Me, trying to impress: I have six bodies in my attic.
Bringing them to the yard is easy
– bear traps will keep em’ there
ME: Good morning
TODDLER: I don’t want to be a mermaid. I want to be a shark with legs.
There should be LEGO movies of everything. LEGO Die Hard. LEGO John Wick. Hell I’d even watch LEGO 50 Shades of Grey.
MOB BOSS: It has come to my attention that within this very room, we have a SNITCH
HARRY POTTER: Oh hell yeah I’ll get it
{Couples Counseling}
THERAPIST: Tell me what you love most about each other.HER: He’s so kind.
ME: If we don’t have cheese she goes and buys cheese.
Never underestimate the power of karate to save a marriage.
Hear me out, a leaf blower, but for people.
The Revenant bear attack scene only it’s me trying to get out of volunteering at my kid’s school.
they advertised mcmuffins for only a buck
INTERVIEWER: We want someone who isn’t just a yes-man, you know what I mean?
ME [clever] no
[1st day as police officer]
PARTNER: THAT CAR FLEW BY DOING 126 MPH! LET’S ROLL!
ME: Um, ok, but I literally JUST got this ice cream cone.