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Sex is like lasagna – there’s absolutely no reason for it to involve spinach in any form.
Me: You take my breath away.
Pollen: lol
I wrote a poem: Dinosaurs, they used to roar, but… No more. Still mad atchu, meteor.
Honestly I wouldn’t want to be left alone with anyone who knew even a single way to skin a cat
I’ve never learned anything from a good decision.
*7 yr old talks about red dwarfs and neutron stars for 40 minutes straight*
My mom: Wow, that’s amazing. So are you going to be an astronaut when you grow up?
7, incredulously: No, I’m going to be a ninja.
If you love a balloon, set it free. If it comes back to you, it probably wasn’t a balloon.
My future’s so bright that I have to wear lampshades like an injured dog.
WARNING: People who need to leave their homes today are advised that it is extremely Monday outside this morning.
Welp, I just ran my car off the road. I was doing the “We Will Rock You” beat with my hands and forgot I don’t have a self-driving car
Outfit choices
Work: jeans & a t-shirt
Hanging out: jeans & a t-shirt
Special event: jeans & a t-shirt
Stalking your ex: jeans & a t-shirt
Having a nice lunch: jeans & a t-shirt
Doctor appt: khakis & a nice shirt so you appear to have it together
Why is it someone is always refinancing their mortgage in the self checkout in front of me?
What’s with people who say food looks too pretty to eat???
Umm, no, you crazy idiot, just pass that plate to me.👍😋😃
[finds money in jacket]
nice
[finds more money in pants]
Today is my day. On a roll
Boss: will you please take my jacket & pants off?
Rich people don’t put their couches against their wall. I moved my couch into the middle of the floor and still haven’t gotten rich. Idk what I’m doing wrong here
I’ve never felt more understood than when my 7yo climbed into my bed, heard his dad snoring like a chainsaw and went right back to his own room.
Jesus: *picks up bread* this is my body
Jesus: *picks up wine* this is my blood
Jesus: *picks up eggplant* i think we allll know what this is lol yea
I’ve started picking furniture up off the side of the road, restoring it, and then selling it on Facebook in order to finance my expensive new hobby, which is picking furniture up off the side of the road and then restoring it to sell on Facebook.
I may eat animals, but at least I wait until they’re DEAD.
Plants are ALIVE, vegans.
You disgust me.
My smart washer was hacked by the Russians so I couldn’t do laundry today, at least that’s what I’m going to tell her.
Why isn’t everyone terrified that Mars is the only planet completely populated by robots?
I wouldn’t say I’m fragile, but I am always about three drinks away from grabbing the scissors and chopping off all my hair.
If I woke up today from a ten year coma and the first thing I saw was an ad for the new downton abbey movie I’d be like oh ok thank god. Looks like I was only out for a few months
Today my husband ate margarine with a spoon. Long story short, I’m unable to see a future with him. We had a good run.
WARNING: Ham radios taste nothing like ham!
This EpiPen doesn’t write for shit. I’m not sure why this guy that handed me it needs it. He’s just flailing around grabbing his neck.
if you loved baby yoda you’re gonna effin hate teen yoda
Some people should be forced to carry a plant around with them, to replace the oxygen they waste.
Why did God make Trolls World Tour so hard to say?