“You run like you’re making fun of running.” -my brother
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I’m my own worst enemy. And the enemy of my enemy is my friend. So I’m also my best friend
So those numbers on sports jerseys are how many people each player has killed or what.
I’m thinking of buying a handful of of those “World’s Greatest —-“ mugs, then sell them at a yard sale, but ask for references.
“Oh, you’re interested in the World’s Greatest Dad mug? Are any of your children with you? I need to ask a couple questions before we can finalize this.
Cancelling plans is okay. Putting yourself first is okay. Going into the forest and abandoning society is okay. Befriending a pack of wolves and assimilating into their wolf pack is okay. Howling at the moon is okay. Do what you need to do to cope.
Part of me says I should slow down on the drinking. The other part says, “Don’t listen to him, he’s drunk.”
just once I want a doctor to ask if I’ve been eating enough potatoes
[bruce wayne falls into a cave inhabited by a hibernating bear & things turn out very differently]
“honey why is our water bill so high?”
*water bill sits there holding a bong*
hahahah duuuude i don’t know man. DORITOS. DO WE HAVE DORITOS?
Writing “Omg you guys are still friends after what she said about you???” on every group photo of girls I see on Instagram
When people with bible quotes in their bio follow me…I don’t know man. I think you’re gonna have a bad time
Remembering this really good dating app interaction from Portugal
my friend told me on first dates i should just “be myself” and “be confident” and i was like “ok but which one?”
Whenever I have a panic attack I put a paper bag over my mouth & once I’m done drinking the alcohol inside I feel a lot better.
this is my brain when people are trying to explain card game rules to me:
*husband lifts up hood of car*
H: Aimee, could you…
Me: *honks horn*
H: *jumps* Damnit Aimee, don’t…
Me: *honk*
H:
Me: *honk*
Why don’t we raise more chickens that lay Cadbury Creme Eggs so we can have them year-round?
Boss: Good suggestions at the staff meeting today, Bill.
Me: I talk in my sleep?
[on Mars]
Curiosity Rover: *finds ancient cat remains* ohhh man I just know I’m gonna get blamed for this
I don’t care what Bruce Lee said, entering a dragon is just poor advice.
Ugh what’s with all the free range organic baby food crap? My parents fed me Wonder bread and jelly and guess what, I miraculously grew into an adult. I mean, not a functioning one. But still.
Invited a homeless guy to Thanksgiving dinner this morning, so when he shows up at your place, let him in.
There’s no “us” in nachos.
kool-aid man: you’re grounded
kool-aid son: I hate you!
kool-aid man: don’t you dare g–
kool-aid son: *uses door normally*
Whenever customer service agents say that they’re recording the phone call, I’ve started saying, “I am too.”
Service is way better.
Why do they call it “a crystal meth addiction” and not “methamaddicts?”
I don’t even care if it’s a scam. Just the thought that a Nigerian prince took the time to write me a personal note has really made my day.
Gollum is like, “actually this is my emotional support precious.”
Dear Stephen Hawking,
You’re not the boss of us.
Sincerely,
hawks
went to the supermarket with my 3 kids and was buying 24 beers and someone said ‘isnt that too many?’ so i said ‘yes’ and put one of my kids on the shelf and they called security
I would describe most of my social interactions at parties as “when you turn on the kitchen faucet and the water hits a spoon in the sink”