when the waiter comes by to see how the food tastes and I’m not ready
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People who would say “I can’t believe it’s not butter” are the same people who support all those Nigerian princes.
ONLY Justin Bieber could make doing drugs look not cool…
deleting dating apps because i want to meet someone the old fashioned way (riding an unsinkable luxury ship right into an iceberg)
Him: Didn’t you buy that apple pie yesterday?
Me: Yeah, so?
Him: There’s one small piece left.
Me: And if you touch it, I’ll stab you.
Our Father, who art in Heaven, Hallowed be thy name
But Imma call you “Hal” for short, ‘k, Chief?
Interviewer: Under “work history” it just says “content creator.” Care to elaborate on that?
Victor Frankenstein: No.
I’ve never seen Die Hard but I assume it’s about a dude who dies during sex?
What I heard:
Wanna see who can outstink each other, pick ticks, worry about serial killers and fight bears for the good pooping spots?What they said: Want to go camping?
“The only thing we have to fear is fear itself” shut up. That’s not true at all. Have you ever seen a really big wasp.
Me: “if you eat toilet paper, does it save time in the end?
Interviewer: “…”
Me: “Oh you mean questions about the job!”
pelicons
You can pretend you’re a ghost at pottery barn, there’s no laws against that
Me: I’m going for a walk
Wife: Huh! I thought you were going to make fried rice?
Me: Yes, but you said to cook that right, I’ll need to use a walk
Catching up on last night’s crime shows, don’t spoil it….. does someone die? No, don’t tell me.
me: [taking dog on 4th walk of the day because I’m so bored]
dog: bro please get a hobby I’m begging u
I live in fear that one day the real “World’s Greatest Dad” is going to show up to reclaim his rightful mug.
BOSS: why are you so late?
ME: i definitely wasnt up until 4am watching Hey Arnold ha-ha
BOSS: well i was and i got here on time
My husband used the word “analyze” during sex so I’m going to throw myself into on coming traffic now.
when someone’s guiding me into a parking spot:
Intermittent fasting between breakfast and lunch then again between lunch and snack time. Then, you guessed it, between snack time and dinner then one more time between dinner and my late night beer and cheese tray. Just being healthy, I’m a health nut now
I gave a yelp review once.
In my defense, it was my first bikini wax.
My life in a nutshell
Can hardly wait until my winter fat turns into spring rolls.
CHILD: I thought you liked Froot Loops.
TOUCAN SAM: *eating an egg salad sandwich he brought from home* Look, kid, it’s just a job.
Whoever invented the spoon caused quite a stir.
Vulcans are space-elves.
Look at the ears.
no actually it’s called an “african-american” eye, bud. and i got it cause someone beat the crap out of me for being too politically correct
Waiter: What can I get for you?
Me: Steak, please.
W: How would you like that cooked?
M: By anyone other than my wife
Me in a huff: you just said disrobe down to my socks. You didn’t say anything about staying in the exam room
At least I can garauntee that if I’m murdered nobody is going to pull that whole, ‘She lit up a room’ crap.