People that whistle in public have at least one body buried in their backyard.
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Me growing up in the countryside with a car: “it’s literally insane that I have to drive 20 minutes to see a friend. I can’t wait to move to a city”
Me in a city: “okay, 78 minutes on three trains to see someone who lives 6 miles away, that seems fine”
When I was a kid another kid brought his turtle to school.
One kid asked, “does he bite?”
“Heck no,” said turtle kid pressing his index finger against the turtles beak. Then there was blood and screaming.
So we learned other children are a terrible source of information.
U know how In a box of chocolates there’s always one disgusting one? That was my idea, I came up w that. “Put a gross one in there” I said
I’ve decided to donate my brain to science.
[years later, my brain is used to prop open the Science door]
“any ideas?”
let’s tie a bunch of helium balloons together & then hold onto the strings
“whoa whoa whoa, let’s not get carried away”
MY MOM: every time I type a letter it types it twice?
ME: have you restarted your computer?
MY MOM: (very sadly) I was hoping you’d have a better idea.
Leaving the Barbers like
Text: ARE YOU ALIVE? Me: Why?
I’m either going to get a tattoo today or do something real crazy like clean my closet.
I just put the crockpot on the counter.
Which is basically the Bat Signal for ✨starting tomorrow we’ll be eating the same thing for the next three days✨
I have a hot tub built for two. Unfortunately, my body fits it perfectly now.
I don’t know why they call this a house cat he doesn’t even like techno.
I don’t know what’s funnier, the fact that our new broom came with instructions or that my husband is actually reading them
[Date]
Me: how about a drink? get whatever floats your boat
Her: thanks! i’ll have a mai tai
Me: *glaring* you float a boat with water karen
Will Smith: Here come the Men in Brown.
UPS Guy: You can just sign for your delivery?
Women who wear pink camo, what exactly are you hiding from?
When I’m feeling dangerous I like to play food poisoning roulette with the corner fast food sushi spot.
They make SAVORY soup now? No more dessert soup for me!
What’s the difference between a $20 steak and a $85 steak?
February 14th.
Me, excited: Are we gonna go in the Mosh Pet!
-You mean the mosh PIT, right?
Me, sad: *Furtively puts my dog grooming kit away*
[halloween]
ME: nice costume. casanova?
HIM: guy fawkes
ME: {high-fiving} hell yeah he does
Me *pouring coffee* are you going to work today?
Windows Explorer: who knows lol
Best way to get a girl to come home with you is to tell her you own 3 lava lamps seriously what girl wouldn’t want to see 3 lava lamps
Bananas either ripen in 2 hours or 2 weeks there is no in between
[McDonalds drive thru]
toddler [possibly drunk] ASK IF THEY HAVE POP TARTS
I blame our unhappy marriage on my wife mostly because of her poor choice in men.
Wife: Wanna try bondage?
Me: SURE
Wife: [makes me build a pyramid]
I like to think Jesus rose after, like, 20 minutes, but then had to spend 3 days trying to move the rock from the cave.
Me *sees boy at school* ugh that kid over there is so annoying
Teacher: I agree but you still need to take him home
her: i’m breaking up with u
me: we can work this out Linda
her: it’s Lydia