Ouija Board: Sorry that I never responded to your text.
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Doughnuts alone won’t fill the emptiness in your soul…you’ll also need chocolate milk.
For my 40th birthday present, my husband replaced a pan that he broke and that’s how I know he’ll never be able to leave me for another woman
Kids: We’re hungry!
Me: You’re in luck. I have just the thing.
The thing:
Area 51? I thought we were all gonna storm Forever 21.
[neighborhood meeting]
Me: This is an outrage!
Neighbor: Exactly! The city’s plan to–
Me: Nothing but powdered creamer for the coffee? I’m out of here.
Wouldn’t be mad at all if I found this instead of staples
Imagine if your anxiety and your metabolism swapped jobs
My G.F. has a pair of ‘meatloaf’ panties.
On the front, it says ‘I would do anything for love’
On the back it says ‘but I wont do that.’
I met a young fashion designer earlier, and it wasn’t long before I was in the bedroom ripping her clothes off.
I love counterfeiting stuff
How many Mexicans does it take to change a light bulb? Just Juan.
Before I die I want to be chased through the back of a Chinese restaurant.
Age is just a number. Unfortunately it’s a number that just keeps getting bigger and bigger.
Idea: “Celebrity Price Is Right” where Gwyneth Paltrow guesses that loaves of bread cost $460
Joseph: we have to walk to bethlehem for a census thing
Mary, 9 months pregnant: i’m sorry what
me: welcome to todays episode of cribs! this crib has a bouncy castle, lets check it out
[45 mins later]
camera man: should we see other stuff now?
me: *out of breath* no
Wife: how’d you get that burn on your arm??
Me (looking fabulous): not from your curling iron
I’m wearing black today so powdered sugar donuts seem like a solid choice.
I want to be rich enough where I’m not offended by the price of beef jerky.
landlords thinking they deserve a tip is actually crazy
It’ll make a big mess and practically break their teeth but they’ll keep eating it anyway
-inventor of the Biscotti
Read a magazine at the doctor’s office so I’m all caught up on Clinton running for president. I don’t think Bush can beat him.
this guy in South Dakota left his pickup sitting for four days. You know it’s the pandemic. In that time a family of Red Squirrels picked apples from a nearby tree and stored em in his engine and wheel compartment. There are another 1 1/2 to 2 buckets in the wheel wells!!
this has to be peak English
Omg, will you pick ONE name and stick with it ffs
– my dog
My 17yo just asked me how to make toast. There goes any hopes of a college scholarship.
We didn’t clean before our cleaning person came, and she just turned in her notice
Romantically smoking a postcoital cigar from both ends with your lover like in Lady and The Tramp
Q. Why did the ghost’s dessert come back when he threw it?
A. It was a boo meringue
Not reading the replies to this
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Now put your cats up!
How it started How it’s going