Asteroid: Hmm…who should I hit on?
Earth: [puts on sexy dress and a come hither smile]
You Might Also Like
“Fed-Ex is coming to kill us all!” ~my dog
[emergency]
[super hero appears]
GUY: It’s Doesn’t-Understand-Rhetorical-Questions Man. Boy, am I glad to see you!
HERO: I…I don’t know
“Is this InkJet any good?”
“Sure – we’ve sold it to royalty”
“Princesses?”
“Mate, it prints ALL the letters”
My 3 year old wants 3 cookies because he’s 3. So I’m having 36.
I’m not getting fatter. I’m increasing my content.
her: i’m a cat person
me:
her:
me: name one part of u that’s cat, Becky
Marriage is not a noun; it’s a verb.
Kinda like crying, screaming, or dying.
guys are so hard to buy for
like what do they like besides other girl’s pictures??
If you pronounce “shoes” like “toes”, you end up saying “shows”, but if you pronounce “toes” like “shoes” you end up saying “twos”.
And other thoughts about the English language that keep me up at night
RETIREMENT EXPERTS: by 35 you should have twice your salary saved
35 YEAR OLD: my salary is $13.00 an hour and i have $26.00 in my bank account so I’m good
Me: I need to see a supervisor
Hat Shop Employee: Excellent choice, Ma’am
Look, you invented bread and I invented knives. Let’s combine forces and we could be the best thing since…well we’ll think of that later.
I used to be married, but I’m better now
telling people you’re single:
• “you’ll find someone”
• “have you tried tinder”saying “many have tried to date me and all have failed”:
• mystical
• empowering
• sword-in-the-stone vibes
Stands at the gates of hell.
Waves to my mother in law.
Leaves.
Detective: Where were you on the night-
Me: Twitter
Detective: Between the hour-
Me: Twitter
Detective: I wasn’t fini-
Me: Twitter
I pry open the crab shell but instead of sweet crabmeat I find a tiny, bustling city filled with people who have my face. It tastes terrible
Someone asked me why I was wearing a fake AirPod… bro that’s my hearing aid
Her: What did you get for Valentine’s Day?
Me: Drunk!
I disagree with liquor store hours. It’s 8am..let me in.
They say “Liar, Liar, Pants on Fire” but what happens if you tell a lie with no pants on?
I hate when you lose all that progress you made at the gym by going 6-7 years between workouts.
Waking up late is a great way to see which steps of your personal hygiene routine are really unnecessary.
Took the road less travelled after telling the wife that we didn’t need to stop and ask for directions.
7: “By the year 2057 the oceans will be nothing but trash.”
Me: “Wow, I had no idea. Pretty smart, bud.”
Wife: “You know so many important facts, sweetie.”
*silence*
*3 looks at each of us*3: “Did you know there’s also pink lemonade?”
When I die, please bury me wrapped in a sheet. That way I won’t have to look for one when I become a ghost
Interviewer: Can you explain the gap in your CV?
Me: I spent 6 hours formatting it in Google Docs and you’ve opened it in Word.
I decided to change things up for my neighbors. Instead of seeing me topless, they caught me bottomless.
Me: can you make sure this diamond ring is in the bottom of her drink? I want it to be a really special moment
McDonald’s employee: ok
Just in case to be clear #gbbo