Me: *delivering breakfast in bed*
Wife: OMG! What a nice surprise!
Me: Would you say it was uneggspected?
Wife:
Me: Omelette you eat now
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The instructions say to place the burrito on one microwave safe plate and to put another microwave safe plate on top of it before heating. Were these instructions written by big dishwasher?
*kicks door down*
*realizes its the wrong house*
*leaves*
*comes back with tool bag*
*fixes door*
*apologizes*
I will never forget the LA based company that wanted me to drug test for a social media management position. Like do you guys even know what makes the internet good
Eating an expensive steak is good and all but have you ever ordered wings at a classy restaurant, love the look on the waiter’s face.
This is my favorite one of these!
My main concern about having kids with my boyfriend is he’ll see me & our two-year-old together and be like “wait they kinda act the same”
Not gonna lie, I’m pretty proud of this one.
[crime scene]
this is the 3rd footless person hes killed sir
“i guess hes..”
please god n–
“LACKTOES INTOLERANT”
*cops taze him for 8 hours*
“My god…we’re monsters,” I murmured to a local monster, who nodded sympathetically
Just hit a white kid with dreadlocks with my car. He understood why.
Meeting with a realtor to sell my moms house:
Realtor: What’s best about this area?
Mom: My sisters are close by.
Realtor: I meant, why would someone want to live here?
Mom: It’s better than being homeless.
Realtor:
Mom: And my sisters are really nice.
[Batman at McDonald’s]
What’s your chicken sandwich called?
-A McChicken
And the rib?
-A McRib
[pulls out his batwallet] I like your style.
I want a rich person to hire me to float around in their pool and feed me bread I want to be a wealthy person’s duck
Apparently Pound Town is NOT a British dollar store
Walked into the donut shop in my ski mask and the cashier started to empty the register into a bag, I had to stop her and tell her I just wanted all the donuts.
The cat seems really pissed off. He must have only had 22 hours sleep.
My wife has hidden my new lion tamer outfit because apparently I’m “just being stupid”.
Well she’ll be the one who looks stupid once our new lion arrives.
THERAPIST: My suggestion for you: Therapy dog
ME: Ok
[next week]
THERAPIST: Well?
ME: They told me I don’t qualify to be a therapy dog
My son’s name is Miller if you were wondering if I like beer.
It’s cute how I ordered 2 drinks and the bartender asked if I wanted to wait for the other person to be seated
*strips naked*
“Magic mirror on the wall, who’s the fairest of them all?”
Cops: he knows we can see him from this side, right?
i always see couples holding hands but how do you become part of a couple? do you just leave your hand out and if someone holds it, you’re a couple
Biggie Smalls: So what’s this thing?
Me: A shrink ray.
Smallie Smalls: Did it work?
Mom: Time to wake updog.
Son: *groggily* What’s updog?
Mom: Just waking you up for school, dog, what’s up wit u?
Dad (from hallway): OWNED
Facebook game requests are like the Jehovah’s Witnesses of the internet. No matter how much you say no thank you, they just keep showing up.
Just saw a BMW double-parked at the grocery store. Nature is healing.
My mind’s telling me “No!” But my body, my body’s telling me “There’s that chicken salad in the fridge.”
I hug people I hate so I know how big I need to dig the hole in my backyard.
I’m going to the gym now. Not bragging. Just want you to know where to send the ambulance.
My daughter showed me a shirt at Target and I asked where the rest of it was; my transformation into my father is complete