Spilling a full alcoholic drink you’ve already paid for is the grownup version of loosing a balloon.
#AmazingFacts #Tuesday #RubbishJokes
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Them: Holy shit. How high are you?
Me: *6 minutes later* No, you are.
if i ever got married i would use the reception as an opportunity to just play every song i’ve ever liked. no theme, no vibe. just me being like “omg i love this one” for two hours
A guy saw me giving my dog water and said that he hopes I have a husband with how caring I am to my dog and I had to explain to him that men should be able to drink water on their own
My kid started doing this annoying preteen whiny voice and now I can turn my head all the way around like the exorcist.
Walks you into the bedroom.
Stands you up straight against the wall.
*you notice the sign that says “You must be this tall to ride this guy”
I’m watching a lot of videos about ancient Rome and one thing that kills me every time is one historical figure getting mad at another and having to sustain that anger for several months as they travel across Italy to confront them
[first date]
Her: I love big hearted people
Me {trying to impress her}: I have hypertrophic cardiomyopathy
Don’t be part of the problem, be the whole problem
[first day of zoology class]
me: what fighting style do geese use?
professor: excuse me?
me: pandas use kung fu, what about geese
professor: i don’t think-
me: tae swan do
I’m only up to Covid 15.
No Spoilers Please!
Don’t drink and drive, also don’t call frozen yogurt “fro yo.”
Her: Look…I asked you to fix this damn cabinet 3 years ago.
Me: For the record…you did preface it with “When you get a chance…”
Alex Baldwin implies the existence of Alex Hairloss
I put sea salt on my seafood, so they can be reunited. Because I like happy endings.
Day One living in a Tiny House: Well, isn’t this quaint?
Day Two: Murder
I was so depressed dat my ATM displayed someone else’s balance to cheer me up
my car is dead & i saw a dead spider under the hood so like, do i need a new spider? i dont know a lot about how cars work
Probably the worst thing about pyramid schemes is how they make you advertise to all your friends and family that you are part of a pyramid scheme.
this is how it feels as a teacher when a student complains about school
“I’m not like other girls,” I say, clacking my pinchers and scuttling back into the murky lagoon.
Practice self-care like werewolves: carry deeply emotional secrets everywhere you go & once a month eat the hearts of all who have wronged you.
Hay is for horses. Hey is for when you forget someone’s name.
I don’t use commas in my tweets I am a rebel without a pause
Buying a scrub brush on a stick for your back because you need something to remind you that you are single, even in the shower.
Seems kinda suspicious
[guy who just got out of prison on a technicality]
“what were you in for?”
murder, a guy… a guy…
“spit it out man”
a guy, interrupted me
[on date]
HER: I cant see u anymore
ME (hiding under table): lol I know
H: no I mean I cant see u anymore
M (still under table): lol I know
“Only real heroes run towards danger” I think to myself while hiding from my whining children.
My neighbors look so happy.
We can fix that.
Friend: What’s it like having a tween daughter?
Me: *pretends I didn’t hear her*