I’m an avid indoorsman.
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were your parents the last ones to pick you up from school or are you normal
I took a girlfriend to a fancy bakery for Valentine’s and she picked out a bunch of things that she then gave to her dad because she said sugary baked goods gave her yeast infections, so really I treated her dad to a really nice Valentine’s Day
Just a reminder that your coworkers aren’t going to get eaten by bears on their own. You have to make that happen. You have to want it.
Due to the Corona Virus safety guidelines, hairdressers are now required to keep smalltalk to a minimum.
Introverts: Praise Jesus!
[at a football game]
my kid: can i get a giant foam finger
me: no
my kid: why not
me: because you already ate three of them at halftime
Slipknot sacked their drummer a few months ago, and suddenly Kate Middleton is nowhere to be seen?
Surely not a coincidence, she must be locked in rehearsals frantically learning their tour set list and getting a horror mask fitted.
The inventor of the USB cable died recently. They’re still trying to figure out which way to put his casket in the ground.
Someone just told me she’s been married for 791 days. Is she excited or counting down her sentence?
intermittent fasting? i just slept 7 hours without a snack what more do you want from me?
Hope my neighbors like my new pet howler monkeys
My life coach: So what would you like to see happen this year?
Me: Kangaroos being allowed to fight in the UFC
Life coach: I will literally pay you to not come here anymore.
Look, you can tell me what to do in an emergency and that’s fine, but I’m going to do what I do best, and that is panic.
Millennial: what’s crackalackin’?
Me: my knees, my shoulder, my neck, and my back
If you’re boarding first, dress casually. It’s no good unless everyone at the gate is surprised.
[train]
GUY: Please take my seat.
ME: *adjusts pillow in my top to feign pregnancy* Thank you.
GUY: How far along are you?
ME: 5 stops.
Everybody want to be a gangsta till it’s time to go to jail.
[Job Interview]
Me: I promise to be dedicated to every day, reliable when depended on, and steadfastly devoted always. Nothing means more to me.
Job interviewer: Are you reading a love letter?
According to my mechanic, if I stop singing the weird noise will go away.
I begin to read a horror novel in Braille.
Something bad is about to happen, I can feel it.
“I want you inside me.”
-says the quotation marks to the period-
#Caturday
Describe yourself in four bold words and two exclamation points
Me:
I think the most fucked up thing about the Catholic Church is that they force Bishops to only move in diagonals
Butt weight. There’s more!
*Ordering Chinese Food
Vanilla Ice: I’ll have egg rolls and chicken fried rice rice baby
Thanks to a fan for this one!
Paste is one of those weird things that only seem to exist until Kindergarten and then disappears forever.
A guy was honking at a car ahead of him to speed up at 6AM so I followed him bc his job must be amazing if he’s that excited to get to work.
A fun way to get exercise is grab a chainsaw and chase a hiker.
I asked my 4 yr old if he was excited to be in his Uncle’s wedding To which he responded “yeah and I can’t wait to be the ring bear I have been practicing” and then proceeded to get on all fours and growl loudly at me. No plans to correct his understanding of his role