I may disagree with what you say, but I will defend to the death this little fort I made out of mashed potato with gravy as a moat and the carrots are cannons. Sorry, what were you saying?
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I think it’s crazy that we can accidentally make people, but we can’t accidentally make dinner. How nice would it be at the end of the day if we were like I wasn’t really trying to make dinner, but uh… it’s made.
this guy on tiktok rated emergency alarm sounds from different countries and there’s no reason it should be this funny 💀
As everyone is watching in horror what I did to that pinata, I realized that’s not how you’re supposed to get to the candy.
I want to be a pilot, but mostly so I’d have an excuse to tell passengers, “Where we’re going, we don’t need roads.”
I’m a great babysitter. If you’re interested, I can offer an above 95% survival rate.
Child: What’s a pandemic?
Me: It’s like a potdemic but flatter.
Child: I’ll ask mom.
A cemetery foreman discovers that his employees cremated a body he explicitly told them to bury.
“You’ve made a grave mistake!” He fumes.
[guy who’s about to invent dates]
*eating a meal* what if I could disappoint someone else at the same time?
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
The dead guy in my trunk?
Cop: Um, speeding, but my shift’s over, so proper burial and no more murders. Ok?
here’s my dating advice. Take your date to go-karts. everyone loves go-karts. I just solved your life. you’re welcome
Him: “I like your locket.”
Me: “Thanks! I got it from a thrift store and it has a picture of a dead couple in it.”
Him: “How do you know they are dead?”
Me: “They are standing behind you. They said they like your hair.”
I work with some really great people. They’re reliable, they’re honest and they never cause any problems. I don’t fit in at all.
[etched on my tombstone]
THE DIET STARTS TOMORROW
HUSBAND: Why are you eating food in line when we’re buying takeout?
ME: It’s my warm up sandwich.
100% of murder victims who responded to the survey really freaked us out.
So rude of Ashton Kutcher to file divorce papers right before Demi Moore’s 150th birthday.
I apparently said “keratin” instead of “ketamine” when discussing treatment options with my psychiatrist, so the bad news is that I remain a terminal depressive, but wow, my frizz is really well controlled.
told my kids they were allowed to hit each other once per day so they should really think it through and not waste their one hit and now they’re calmly discussing when might be the best time to hit each other (but the actual hitting has stopped, I’m a genius)
[goes to sign up for course on how to handle bad news better]
“sorry, we’re full”
[lights myself on fire]
“The 59th rule of Fight Club is, we cant park in the lot on Vermont anymore – The owner is being a jerk. Just find street parking. 60th…”
*Geography Bee*
Judge: “Tell me about Yemen.”
Me: “Chandler said he was moving there when he couldn’t breakup with Janice on Friends.”
I tried killing a spider with kindness, but found that a shoe was much more effective
Me, 5 minutes into the zombie apocalypse: Fresh brains here, come and get your brains!
Had to quit my Uber Eats job, turns out they keep track of how many orders you report “flew out the window,” and “all of them” is too many.
[Dr.]
“Your blood is 40% cheese, if you eat ANY more you’ll die”
*slowly raises piece of cheese to mouth*
“Don’t do it”
*eats cheese*
*dies*
My idiot future husband is out there somewhere pushing a pull door. I just know it.
*gets a new lease on life*
*misses first payment*
Introverts are just extroverts who have realized that most people suck.
My “friend” Adam gave me an electric toothbrush for my birthday. Completely unnecessary. My gas-powered toothbrush still runs fine, “Adam.”