Me: My wife and I finish each others sentences
Judge: No
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animation is NOT for kids. animation is for nobody. drawings have no business moving like that
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pandemic day 1: i hope we all survive this deadly pandemic
pandemic day 664: me and my friends have beef with Elmo now
if they played poker with potato chips I’d have a gambling problem
Me: check it out, this guy is selling new iPhones for $20
Her: they’re probably phoney
Me: *unvelcro-ing wallet* I hope so, they’re phones
If you keep pronouncing the L in salmon I going to stab you with my kah-nife
I got ill after borrowing a colleague’s leather bag. The test results showed I’d picked up a satchelly transmitted disease.
Me when I see someone that knows me in public..
I normally don’t brag when I go to expensive places, but I just left the gas station..
Make new friends? bro out of what?
4 a.m.
9-yr-old: DADDY I JUST HAD A NIGHTMARE
daddy: mine’s just starting
i for one absolutely hate and can’t stand it when the crab next to me in this bucket full of crabs (i too am a crab) climbs over me when i am trying to in fact climb over THEM
My smoke detector just started beeping due to low batteries which is weird because it’s not the middle of the night
If you feed me & have the heat on high, I will fall asleep on you. So to have a much more interesting date with me keep me hungry and cold
Step 1:Establish a medical history of “sleep walking”
Step 2. Murder your neighbor who mows their lawn at 6am
Step 3: Return to bed
Some people can never, ever admit they’re wrong. I’m not one of them though I was definitely wrong about you
Teacher: I’m worried because your daughter keeps spelling her name T-R-M-N-L.
Me: but I just taught her how to spell PAIGE.
Teacher: tell me what you told her.
Me: P as in Pterodactyl, A as in Artist, I as in Imaginary, G as in Gnat, and E as in Elephant.
A fun thing to do when someone shows you a picture of their new baby is to look confused and just say “I don’t get it?”
What a lot of people don’t understand about mountain climbing is that don’t do that.
librarians will, under no circumstances, put up with your shh
When you finally get the courage to get on the scale after avoiding it for a while it’s called “bweighvery.”
Daylight Saving Time starts this evening, turn your clocks forward and change smoke alarm batteries before going to bed tonight.
Finally, you get a cab. The driver is a golden retriever. You hop in and hope for the best
My oldest made us all breakfast this morning, then got mad when his little brother didn’t finish the meal he had worked so hard to create.
I think I’m on to something here…
7yo son: May I have some water?
Me: What are the magic words?
7yo son: I can get it myself.
Me: There you go.
Taco Bell implies the existence of all kinds of Taco Percussion
My tween would like you to know I ruined his life when I told him to stop being super sus and cringe and be more lit yo.
I don’t always make up big words but when I do I make them completely uninformystical.
Me: *levitating, a jumble of furniture swirls chaotically around me*
Him: so, you still mad?
Knowing when to keep opinions to yourself is a skill…
That I do not possess, apparently.