I wouldn’t usually disagree with Gordon Ramsay but i was watching him judge this carrot cake & I think the contestant was perhaps correct
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Hey girl, are you pineapple on pizza because a lot of people say you are disgusting but I kind of like you?
Ice skating is like walking in cursive
Guys, I hate to tell ya this, but applied tiger balm liberally this morning and I’m still not a tiger.
wife: Where’s the food?
[flashback to me waving at a dog and forgetting to stop at the second window to pick it up]
me: Dammit
Start yelling “DON’T FORGET!” when saying goodbye to people so that they panic about what they’re supposed to be remembering
Taurus: People will call you a trend setter this week when you’re bitten by a new species of snake.
I’m 32 years old and I’ve watched Frozen 26 times this week…
For those of you out there thinking about having unprotected sex tonight…
If Pepsi was smart… They would make a Coke flavor Pepsi!!!
My daughter left for work & asked me to hide the last piece of her cake she made yesterday from her sister & her dad, but who’s going to hide it from me?
Psychiatrist: You seem much better!
Me: Thanks, the airline lost all my baggage.
{Getting dating advice}
FRIEND: Just be yourself.
ME:
FRIEND:
ME:
FRIEND:
ME: You’ve met me tho—
FRIEND: No, yeah, I heard it as soon as I said it.
Someone is selling a rot iron table on Craigslist ..wonder If they would trade for a dictionary
I never learned how to flirt, I just roast the hell out of guys until they stop talking to me
You can tell how single I am by the way my cat and dog wear their sombreros with quiet dignity and acceptance.
That hurricane will bounce as soon as it hits LA because it can’t afford the rent.
tim apple: use iphone 14 satellite calling when you get stranded in the wilderness
me who hasn’t left my house in 2 years: I must have this
20 years ago my Dad went out to buy a pack of Camels
…and now he’s the most successful camel breeder in Europe.
Once again not all heroes wear capes
My car has the innate super power of knowing when I have any extra money and spontaneously breaking down.
Sorry I armed a group of theoretical physicists with Sharpies and set them loose in your glass pane warehouse
What they say: “Parenting is hard.”
What they mean: “You will do your very best to take care of your child, and they will do their very best to stop you from doing that.”
Hey guys, remember when you could still refer to your knees as right and left instead of good and bad? Good times.
[standing next to the boss at the urinal]
Ok, don’t act weird.“That’s some impressive bladder volume, sir.”
Emails now be like: I hope you are staying safe, sheltered in place, stocked with toilet paper, and healthy during these absolutely unprecedented, wild, chaotic, terrifying times. Just wanted to follow up-
Everyone romanticizes the past until they get horribly sick and wake up covered in leeches.
Me: why aren’t you eating your peas?
5: sometimes kids just don’t want peas, you wouldn’t understand
Growing up I really thought piranhas would have been a bigger problem in my life.
EVERYBODY WHO MAKES ACTION MOVIES: We should have all the actors talk really quietly so people turn the volume way up right before an explosion.
Bored, go into a fitting room wait a couple minutes then yell, “where’s the toilet paper”