I’m at the “buy bigger jeans” part of my Eat. Pray. Love. journey.
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If I knew I’d have this many brain cells left, I would have partied a little harder in my twenties.
[restaurant]
ME: Do you have updog?
WAITER: [sighs] No sir
M: Ok, is this gluten free?
W: No you have to pay for it
M: Damn you’re good
Doctor: Do you have any allergies?
Me: Cats.
Doc: I meant allergies to medications.
Me: Do they make medications from cats?
Doc: No.
Me: Then no.
If I were gonna give advice about how to survive leaving your phone at home, it would be this: stare at something else. I chose a weird baby
Every so often, I try to fornicate a large word into conversation, even if I’m not sure what it means.
Me: promise you won’t show anyone?
Him: promise
*sends pics
H: that’s pics of fruit snacks
M: you said you wanted pics of my goods
First day of summer vacation so I told my kids to propose a daily chore list and a fair compensation system and long story short, I just got home from work and I guess I already owe them $725 and a trip to Disneyland.
airlines should have an option where you can book distances rather than just destinations. here’s 100 bucks, take me as far as that’ll get me. just drop me in the Atlantic ocean, I’ll figure it out.
When the nurse calls you to come get your kid 30 minutes after you drop her off at school, is about as Monday as it gets.
Just your annual reminder about this seagull that turned orange after it fell into a container of chicken tikka masala while trying to get a piece of meat from a factory bin. #SpiceGull
Give me Players for $500 Alex
“When you lose the game because you don’t have any moves”
What is checkmate?
“Wrong! What is your sex life”
Anyone who thinks scientists like agreeing with one another has never attended a scientific conference.
You’re never gonna believe this but Ben Carson’s full name is Benghazi Carsonofsatan
So if you want to be sure your internet history is deleted, just whisper ‘please delete my internet history’ into any hole on the computer
I tried some new stretches, and now I’ve been stuck on the floor for 23 minutes.
Only the dog is happy about this.
Wife: ugh I feel fat
Me: please take your hands off me
*Paper beats rock*
*Paper beats eggs*
*Paper beats his girlfriend*
*Paper beats his three year old*
Jurassic Park but with ferrets instead of dinosaurs.
After slaving away making a full Christmas dinner, my 3yo looked lovingly at me and smiled. Then five simple words left her mouth… “can I have cereal instead?”
How funny!
if u think ur house is haunted get a cat. whooshing sound? it’s the cat. hear footsteps? def the cat. unseen being devouring your soul? cat.
I’m pretty like a car crash.
“amateurs”
~ Mick Jagger browsing duck lip selfies
Don’t tell me how to lift my baby
Just great—woke up on a park bench, missing a kidney.
Again.
Third time this week.
Me: *In kitchen loudly eating carrots.
Dog: *Asleep in bedroom
Me: *In pantry, munching on Oreos.
Dog: *Loudly snoring in bedroom
Me: *Opens fridge, looks at steak.
Dog: *Already sitting expectantly next to me.
If we meet in a social situation I’ll typically take over the conversation, do a tight five or ten minutes then clam up for the rest of the evening. That’s all I got. The next two hours is on you.
ME: Cauliflower is bullshit.
EXECUTIONER: Those are really gonna be your last words?
Imagine trying to explain Captain America: Civil War to Abraham Lincoln.