My daughter found my twitter. I have just one thing to say – clean your room.
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My teen: How do you not know how to play video games?
Also my teen: So all you have to do is press left, right, up, circle, triangle, square all while holding onto the upper left button.
Jaws is such a great film because it taps into that primal human fear of our beach resorts becoming unprofitable.
Kids: We’re hungry!
Me: You’re in luck. I have just the thing.
The thing:
good let them take over I have had enough
The Internet makes things so convenient. Before it existed, if you wanted to order a DVD online, you had to invent the Internet.
“I’m totally against the selfie-stick but every now and then an exception comes along.”
Credit: AndrewBloch
[blood donor clinic]
dracula: can i order a pint please?
I can work well with others OR pass a drugs test. I can’t do both.
Please respect my privacy at this difficult time. I’m in morning.
Oh ok learning the difference between doing one thing a day that scares you and one thing a day that scares your doctor
Me: Waitress, can I ask you something about the menu please
Waitress [slaps my face]: The men I please, that’s none of your business
Good morning.
Justin Bieber was “Baptized” last night….
Or as the church likes to call it… “A failed attempt to drown Bieber”
At my age, if the wife wants to have fun, scrabble is coming out.
“What are you typing? Let me guess. Oh wait, stop right there, I know what it is. It’s not that? Okay wait.. I know it, I know it!” -Google.
A robot steals your job. It hurts, but that’s how the economy works. Nothing personal. The robot starts texting your wife.
Airports: Because who doesn’t want to spend $60 on two egg sandwiches and Lay’s Potato Chips.
I always wonder what the nurses reaction was like after I leave a half eaten sandwich in a coma patients hand.
Why do birds
Suddenly appear
Every time
You are near?
Just like me
You’re secretly
Made of bread
Was standing in my front yard this evening and some neighborhood kids tried to deflate me.
They were right. I woke up this morning to find my house ransacked. My private belongings were tossed everywhere. My electronics are missing. Legos are everywhere, even in my personal office. There’s a pair of tiny blue Crocs by the door. Oh god they’re storming the bedroo-
*possum hospital
Nurse: Get the crash cart?!
Doctor: Give it a minute
“I love you but I don’t trust you,” I say to my dog as I put cheese and crackers on the table.
[at a party] i see u have name brand garbage bags, are u a doctor
So, showing you my sweet excel spreadsheet formulas ISN’T foreplay? I really don’t know what to do with that information.
I miss the 80s, when you could hide an alien in your room for 3 days before mom found out and five kids on bikes could outsmart the police.
WIFE: Having your phone in your jeans pocket will make you infertile & stop us having more kids
ME: *shoves 10 phones & microwave in pocket*
I was just published in Science Fiction Bin Monthly, the only sci-fi magazine that’s printed and then immediately thrown in a dumpster. You can read my story in this month’s issue, but you’ll have to fight a raccoon for it.
The Tower of Babel is my favourite story. Made God so mad that he forced everybody to learn French. Imagine being so angry you invent the phrase sacré bleu.
Wife *yelling from other room* you’re making bread? Why are you making bread?
Me: Everyone in lockdown is doing it
Duck *holding gun* good answer