Everytime a suburban white kid throws up a gang sign, an angel misses brunch.
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[campfire]
ME: They say these trees are over 200 years old. Man, if trees could talk…
TREE: Please stop burning my flesh to cook hot dogs.
*first date*
Guy: I like a girl who’s good with money
Me: the city will bury you for FREE if they can’t identify your body
the 1000 IQ baby who kills itself at 1 year old
Review of “grandma”: slow, slow-witted, terrified of technology, can’t bench for shit, no karate, basically racist ★☆☆☆☆
{concert}
lead singer: WHO’S READY TO ROCK?!
me (from the pit trying to clean my glasses with the front of my shirt) JUST A SEC
Hate when other parents at school drop off act like they’re better than me just because they remembered to bring all of their children
ADIDAS: All Day I Dream About Sellingfeetpics
On a packed bus googling “how to tell the person sitting next to you that you love them”
Me: This is the worst escape room ever.
Boss: This is your job.
I am so lucky that I can’t tell the difference between a heartfelt compliment and sarcastic disdain. Life is much easier when you’re dumb
[In meeting]
Boss: any comments?
Me: I wish I was drunk right now.
Boss: “Do you know why I’ve called you into my office?”
Into My Office: “Because that’s my name?”
Boss: “Yes, that’s right.”
8: I forgot my name
Me: Oh no!
8: no I –
Me: is it amnesia, do you have amnesia?
8: no I just –
Me: this is terrible!
8: I JUST FORGOT TO PUT MY NAME ON THE PAPER
Him: Wanna go out with me tonight?
Me: Let me ask my mom
Him: Wtf?! You’re in your 40’s!
Me: She said no
When getting rid of old clothes you have 2 options:
1. Donate to Goodwill
2. Dress every raccoon within a 5-mile radius
Me: I have the body of a pro wrestler.
Her: OMG I love The Rock.
Me: Oh, totes, but what are your feelings on sumo?
“Hey, wanna lie to each other over cups of coffee?” – First dates
*eats French fries out of a pack of cigarettes*
Henry VIII would be glad to know that in a post-Game Of Thrones world he actually seems pretty chill
*lands on other planet*
“Take me to your pain medication”
Walking around naked is a great motivator to get back to the gym
I don’t have ADD. It’s just that everything is more interesting than what I have to get done.
[shark tank]
ME: my idea is a length of leather with the entire bible text etched onto it—I call it the saving strap
HOST: have you considered the bible belt
ME: yes we predict good sales there
ME: *opens car door for date like a gentleman*
DATE: *running and out of breath* PLEASE STOP THE CAR
happy mother’s day here is the result of my mom voice texting while talking to her dog
Felt bad about hitting a car yesterday but I remembered to leave a note. Didn’t have a pen so I used my key.
Last night,my friend changed all my contacts in my phone.I’ve been texted by Batman Donatello,Hermione Granger.I have no idea who they are.
TEEN 1: Church is so boring.
TEEN 2: It’s so out of touch.
THE YOUNG POPE approaches pulpit: “Some…BODY once told me–”
TEENS: HOLY SHIT
Dermatologist asked why I want my tattoo removed and looked at me like no one’s ever said “because it’s my ex’s Twitter handle” before.
me: hey have you seen the dog bowl?
him: no but I did see him play checkers