You know you do too much online shopping when your kids start drawing pictures for the UPS man.
You Might Also Like
[harry potter at an interview]
interviewer: it says here you found & destroyed seven horcuxes
harry: that’s correct, sir
interviewer: but no experience creating a powerpoint presentation, wow
Magician: Pick a card, any car…
Me: Charizard
Magician: no, like a normal card
Me: Ohhhhh…Snorlax then
*at hostage negotiation class
Prof: Let’s go around and say why we’re here
Man: I joined the NYPD
Woman: I’m in the FBI
Me: I have a toddler
I love you and all but I’d push you into oncoming traffic for a large pizza and a Twix.
You missed Mass online, which isn’t great, but you can watch Ben Hur now for partial credit.
My problem isn’t that I lose all my chapsticks. It’s just that I don’t remember which one I used the last time I had the flu.
[fancy dinner]
ME: please pass the (forgets the name for salt) dried ocean
[dog bites my arm off]
owner: lol don’t worry he’s just playing
Let’s send Sarah out into a swamp in a dress.
– news stations
To the woman who just honked at me to leave this parking spot, I suddenly have dozens of urgent emails to respond to.
sorry for the inconvenience but the park will be closing for one hour because we accidentally made one of the dinosaurs too big
This sounds bad:
I just took out a second mortgage on my house in case I get hungry at the airport tomorrow.
Spoiler alert: Sometimes accountants are boring on purpose because we think it’s funny when we see people’s eyes glaze over.
“Be strong” I whisper to my coffee.
5 lil monkeys jumping on the bed
one fell off & bumped his head
called the doctor & the doctor said
U DO NOT HAVE A PERMIT FOR THESE ANIMALS
DECORATOR: Now I’ve finished the job can I come over and take some pictures?
ME: Of course. I’ll miss you too.
DECORATOR: I meant of my work
My husband and I often laugh about how competitive we are, but I laugh more.
My computer just gave me an “Error 404” message, which can’t be right because I know I’ve made way more errors than that.
First time seeing these brilliant print ads for Scrabble today. Published in Ukraine in August 2014 by ad agency Twiga.
*slides $5 to the funeral director*
Maybe you can get me the widow’s phone number?
a baby cow is called a calf bc it’s half a cow. half cow. calf. no further questions.
“You’re getting an MFA in English? Wasn’t your Bachelor’s useless enough for you?”
-second degree burn
I have what CNN is calling ‘snow fatigue’ symptoms include:
Being tired of winter
A sudden desire for spring
Thoughts of murderous rage
GHOSTBUSTER: so wait, you called us because your neighbor painted his fence purple?
ME: it’s strange, weird, and it doesn’t look good—your lyrics couldn’t be more clear about this
I think I got the Grindr app mixed up with the Pizza hut app. Either way, there’s a 10″ vegetarian about to arrive and I’m not sure what to expect.
“Mommy don’t sit on the swing because you’re going to make it wider!” – my daughter screaming to me at the park
We’re having company over today, so naturally my husband is helping me prepare by looking for the soil testing kit that he bought over a year ago.
[alien taking notes]
Humans: Reluctant to common sense gun control, yet somehow completely overreactive when approached by a bee.