When a guy asks me for pics, I send pics of Margaret Thatcher.
You Might Also Like
[inventing the parrot]
HOW ABOUT LIKE A TYE DYE CHICKEN WHO SCREAMS ACTUAL WORDS AT YOU
Screenwriting:
ACT ONE: What’s their deal?
ACT TWO: This wasn’t the deal, now let’s see how they deal.
ACT THREE: They’re a whole new deal.
My guy makes beautiful dressers, but he leaves his drawers everywhere
[first date]
Him: What are you passionate about?
Me: *bats eyelashes* Taxidermy.
Him: Animals?
Me: Haha. Sure…
I noticed the trim on one of our garage doors was hanging weirdly. I figured no big deal as these are pretty old garage doors so I started to fix it…
5 yo: Mommy did that.
Me: Did what?
5 yo: She hit that with her car.
Me: Wow bro. Sold out your own mother.
me: we named you after our favorite films
paul blart: i hate you
wife: you should be proud of your names
paul blart 2: you’re monsters
I just declined a mandatory work meeting invite. I am drunk with power.
Ways to look busy:
1. Turn up later than everyone else but rush into the office looking annoyed
2. Act like spending half an hour in the toilet has annoyed you
3. Rush around with an open laptop looking annoyed
4. Get annoyed at a printer
5. Just generally look annoyed
So much gross product placement in THE SHINING. It’s like, fine, I’ll buy an axe.
Him: How close is the storm?
Me: Let me Google it.
*laptop blows away*Pretty close.
*pretty girl walks by and doesn’t make eye contact*
She must be intimidated that I manage a fantasy football team that is 8-1
If pi is 3.14, then i think .99 is a good deal for 2 doughnuts.
COP: Can you describe the man who shot you?
ME: He seemed mad
My favorite part about playing video games with my kids is
WAIT WHICH GUY AM I
HOW DO I JUMP
WHAT’S HAPPENING
Me: *gets in pool* Come on in.
4-year-old: No, there might be sharks.
Me:
4:
Me:
4:
Me: *gets out of pool*
Twitter is the new Circuit City grift 🤣
I wasn’t trying to put you on a pedestal. I was trying to bend you over it.
ME: will you *opens box* marry me
HER: is that a single peel n eat shrimp
ME: idk is that a yes
*walks into room, turns chair around backwards & sits down with arms crossed on it*
hey kids…I’m here to talk about how chairs confuse me
I like how Alexander Graham Bell invented phones, crackers, and ringers.
going to the bottom of the ocean anyone want anything
Oh boy, I am desperate!
My bowels do churn.
Too many tacos!
I never will learn.
Pardon me, Sir!
I believe it’s my turn.– Horton Has to Poo
I’m offended that horses don’t put their hooves over their hearts during the National Anthem when they win a gold in equestrian events.
I don’t want a Ghostbusters sequel about the grandchildren of the Ghostbusters. I want a Ghostbusters prequel about Slimer when he was alive.
I’ve had a few people on this site respond to something they disagree with with “I expected better from you”, and I’m like “why?”
waiter: would you like anything else ma’am?
me: yes please, a box for the leftovers that I will most definitely leave here on the table.
Found something new to say when I leave a room.
11yo: My Girl Scout vest is lost. I’ve looked EVERYWHERE.
Me: *ransacks house looking*
*digs in garbage*
*combs through school’s 5-ton lost-and-found pile*
*forms 15 person search party*
*asks NASA if they’ve seen it*
11yo: I found it. I hung it up in my closet.
There’s so much pollen in the air covering everything with a blanket of yellow dust that I thought my wife went blonde.
I feel like the Ghostbusters are too proud they “ain’t afraid a no ghosts.”
It’s your job.
My exterminator doesn’t keep telling me he’s not afraid of spiders.