SHEEP: okay you’re in charge of keeping the flock together
ME: what
SHEEP: you herd me
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A fun way to get exercise is grab a chainsaw and chase a hiker.
Vader: “I am your father.”
Luke: “I am your father.”
Vader: “Stop copying me.”
Luke: “Stop copying me.”
Vader: “Shut up.”
Luke: “Shut up.”
I’m not the type of superstitious idiot who worries about bad luck on Friday 13th. That’s silly. Me, I just take off to a nice quiet cabin in the woods, slaughter a pack of over-sexed teenagers, then kick back and chill.
[hanging out in my basement]
Wife: You know, this room could really use more natural light.
Me: Help yourself. There’s plenty in the fridge.
I’m really worried Justin Timberlake is going to have me naked by the end of this song.
I think the hot dog eating competition should award me extra points for not blinking during the event.
In medieval times, infant mortality was so high that parents would often avoid posting pregnancy pics on Facebook until the 3rd trimester.
The kids won’t stop running around so I stuck swiffer wet jet sheets to their socks so at least the floor is getting clean while I sip my tea.
Nobody will know you’re stoned if you’re always stoned
Reverse Edgar Allan Poe be like, Quoth the Peacock, “Alwaysless.”
My childhood can be summed up in two simple facts.
1. I was fully convinced that tapioca pudding contained fish eyes.
2. I still ate it.
Pro Tip:
If you stab yourself in the thigh with your pen you get to leave the meeting.
Superman: Only one cookie left.
Batman: Rock, paper, scissors for it?
Superman: 1, 2, 3, GO!
Batman: *pulls out Kryptonite and eats cookie*
tums is missing out on selling pumpkin spice flavored antacid and calling it autums.
ADVERSARY: I’ll beat you at your own game
ME: so crying is competitive now?!
The barista can’t deal with the man’s ‘Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my coffee’ shirt.
Her mouth opens, then closes.
The line grows.
“I’m quite content on this side of the street, thank you.”
— No squirrel ever.
It’s like my dad always said, “Distract the security guard.”
5 made a window cling, and it’s the most corrupt Sun I’ve ever seen.
I’m a parent, so if another grownup tells me “we’ll see” or “maybe” I know the answer is no
The Wicked Witch swings a light saber at Obi-Wan just as he throws a water balloon at her. All anyone finds later are piles of clothes.
Me: oh shit there’s my ex girlfriend will you hold my hand so she gets jealous
Dad: sure kiddo
Lol how “take you out” could mean either we’re going on a date or I’m gonna kill you.
Michelle Obama should have dropped the mic and moonwalked out.
*Tinkerbell sprinkling pixie dust*
Remember Peter, give me a call if it last longer than 4 hours.
Don’t worry. Artificial intelligence will never replace actual ignorance.
A younger man said I have a smokin hot body for an older woman…
I’m not sure if I should thank him or put him in a time-out.
Today is the Winter Solstice, the shortest day of the year. Unless, of course, you’re waiting in line at Wal-mart.
*armadillo comes rolling back in the ball return*
“Wait.. if you’re here, then…”
*cut to wife sobbing at bowling ball* “UNCURL, FREDRICK!”
The Hello Kitty stickers on your woodchipper suggest that you’re whimsically murdery.