Bananas in Pajamas was so popular. I can’t figure out why my spinoff, Swiss Chards in Unitards, failed
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dog: *looks at me*
dog: *looks at treat jar*
dog: *looks at me*
dog: *looks at treat jar*aaaaaaand scene
Your life is awesome until your oversized clothes start fitting.
her: there’s a huge spider in the kitchen
me: I’ll take care of it[2 minutes later]
her: is it done?
me: yah, house goes up for sale tomorrow
I just made bacon for dessert, I’m not in the mood to be trifled with
I make a lot of jokes about my husband and they’re all true, but sometimes I forget to mention how lucky he is with me as a wife.
Today I burned spinach.
I knock on the refrigerator door before opening it, just in case there’s a salad dressing in there.
me: can you tell me what’s wrong with my car?
techician: sure..I’ll take a look
[later, ]
technician: it’s not too bad..
me: thank god..what is it?
technician: eh..just shit in the cylinders
me, completely clueless about cars: wow…how frequently should I do that?
If at first you don’t succeed then try, try again.
Unless you’re skydiving then good luck with that.
I’ve just seen my doctor quickly close the Wikipedia page for ‘bones’
Pro tip: The Labor Day weekend is a great time to start drafting your Halloween, Thanksgiving, and Christmas tweets.
I’m so mad I put my fist through a wall. I HATE BEING A GHOST
I’ve been shelling pistachios for 3 hours now, I have 9.
Sasquatch: *to tv camera* Tonight we will try a human call and hope for a response. *clears throat* 🎵Sweet Caroline🎵
From a distance: 🎵Bah bah bah🎵
Sasquatch: You heard that! It was a human!
Camera Sasquatch: I don’t know. Could be a bird.
Me: Can you hear me?
4: No.
Me: I need for you to pick up your legos, please.
4: But I can’t hear you.
Me: You can, you’re answering me.
4: (crying) No, I can’t!
Gaslighting is starting at a young age over here.
had to make it
It’s rude to say “don’t mention it” when someone thanks you for a favour, instead say “tell no one of this” in a low but urgent voice.
Dreamed I won the lottery last night – $35 on a scratch ticket. Clearly I have a rich fantasy life lately.
Imagine your card gets declined at Hogwarts and you have to go to public wizarding school
Sometimes music can transport you to a place where you just SHIT THAT WAS MY EXIT BACK THERE.
My main goal in life is to become a cooking show judge
Mostly because I like to criticize people while I eat
fridge ice dispenser: *10 minutes of grumbling sounds* fine you can have ONE!
Who called it the milk crate challenge and not broke back mountain
outrunning all the dogs at the park and bringing the tennis ball back in my mouth
I’m not ready for the pandemic to be over…
I have yet to bake a single loaf of bread
Thinking about the time a guy gave me a literal book of questions that he had answered about himself as a gift, and then didn’t ask me a single one.
Me: time for sleep
Brain: no we need to talk
Me: ugh not now brain
Brain: but this is important
Me: okay fine what is it brain
Brain: *sitting up* my name is brian
The best thing capitalism has done is put a little window on pasta boxes so the noodles can look out at the world.
I forgot the term “gait” so I said the horse had a nice swagger.
[creation]
GOD: Gather round creatures & I’ll tell you what you’ll eat
ANTEATER: I’m SO excited!
DUNG BEETLE: I got a bad feeling about this
Her: You don’t want me to get fat do you?
Me: Get?