Just saw a homeless man smoking a cigarette & it made me really sad… I wish I could afford cigarettes.
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I like to walk through the mall and hand out bags of Cheetos to all the kids I see wearing white clothes
woman in car on news: “I’ve used up loads of petrol driving around trying to buy petrol” hm okay
I try not to worry about things outside of my control, or things that are the direct result of my deliberate choices.
When I tell my kids I’ll do something in a minute, what I’m really saying is, “Please forget.”
me choking on my own saliva for no reason.
[inventor of cursive] what if the letters held hands
My bank statement is just a visual record of bad decisions.
“Stop asking why he doesn’t have a phone. He just doesn’t.”
— Watching Home Alone with my kids
Procedure for being unthanked for door holding:
1. Keep eyes fixed on culprit
2. Say you’re welcome
3. Shake head
4. Mutter “unbelievable”
I don’t care if you have a thousand pens at home already, when someone offers you a pen YOU TAKE THAT PEN
Sliced my finger open with an apple corer. See? This wouldn’t happen if I was eating cake.
Her: I dreamt I was being murdered.
Me: Was I the one who was murdering you?
Her: No.
Me: (Sigh) Well, was I helping in any way at all?
my favorite genre of twitter
“I’m gonna put this somewhere safe” is an ancient incantation that opens a portal to a random point in another timeline, through which all safely kept things travel, never to be seen again.
Me: I’ll never be like my parents
Also me: If you kids don’t stop fighting, I’ll pull this car over and you can walk home!
I have never understood why people need to shovel snow. Why don’t they just live someplace warm where it doesn’t snow?
*Walks up to podium*
Hey everyone, sorry my wife couldn’t make it, she’s carrying our first child.
*crowd claps*
He’s 7, he’s just lazy.
I’m the hottest thing these people at the cataract surgery center have ever seen.
Are you ok, human???
An inchworm is just a centipede that didn’t make the switch to the metric system.
*emerging naked from a ball of lightning*
Me: You there! What year is it?
Tupac: It’s 1996 -are you-
Me: I’m from the future, yes
Tupac: To deliver a message!
Me: No
Tupac:
Me: I’m just going to live here
Tupac:
Me: You should uh… take a cruise or something though
I decided to stop wearing bamboo t-shirts after I got attacked by a family of koalas.
[A pterodactyl walks into a bar]
“Ptequila, pthanks.”
Mr. Miyagi: It’s simple Daniel san, wax on, wax off
Daniel: Yeah, but your back hair, bro?
[sets up grandfather’s first computer]
ME: Okay, Grandpa… Just call me if you have any questions or problems.
[phone rings one hour later]
ME: Hello?
GRANDPA: WebMD says I’m pregnant.
Hey did you know that if you step on the gas and brake at the same time your car takes a screenshot.
[Doctors appt]
Me: *getting weighed in the hall* this is so embarrassing. You really should put the scale in the patient’s room.
Doctor: well most people don’t get naked.
Me: * tastes dog treats*
Stalker: frickin weirdo
Yes, autocorrect. That’s right. I wash clothes in my washington machine.