As a child, ‘The Jetsons’ gave me unrealistic expectations for the future: like having a wife who loves me & owning a dog.
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When you forget you’re at the restaurant.
Me: Let me stay over. I’ll burn you breakfast in the morning.
Her: You mean BRING me breakfast.
Me: *pulls battery from smoke alarm* Yeah
[first date at restaurant]
Me: *ending call* My mom says no dessert.
My wife said she got a life insurance policy on me in case something tragic happened and I was like wow she thinks my death would be tragic!
My wife said the infinity scarf I got her is too small and I said: “That’s mathematically impossible.”
Anyhoo, we’re divorced now.
Doctor: Your baby is 7 pounds!
Me: So that’s like, what, three dollars?
Why does toothpaste drop off your toothbrush so easily but then turn into a type of thermosetting polymer that’s impossible to wash away?
I told our stepmom that when you first log onto Zoom calls, you’re supposed to put your face close to the camera and open your mouth really wide so other callers can examine your teeth.
My brother just sent me an angry text.
Cicadas are all like, “Y’all mind if I scream?”
When my son gets uppity, I like to remind him that I’m totally nailing his mom.
Radio Shack would have filed for bankruptcy years ago but they’ve been trying to do it using dial-up internet
wife: please be nice to my sister-in-law.
me: i’ll treat her like my own blood.
sister-in-law: hey guys.
me: [screams and passes out]
There is a huge body of evidence to support the notion that me and the police were put on this earth to do extremely different things.
I bought some old lady reading glasses as a lark, a laugh, and now my eyes don’t hurt, this isn’t what I wanted
Boss: can I get an update
Me: glitches out and fails to install
There is a time and a place for accosting people with baguettes (2 p.m., Whole Foods).
WIFE: we’ve be ME: er
WIFE: married so l ME: ar panels
WIFE: we com ME: puter
WIFE: each o ME: ctopus
WIFE: sen ME: ta claus
Dude is texting with a flip phone, just like George Washington did
My son doesn’t always throw up, but when he does, he’s already in bed.
I feel like I’m living in my own horror movie. But it’s like a B movie that will never get much traction.
Revenge of the Fruity Pebbles. Yeah, direct to streaming at best.
Rookie mistake: taking your gummies after you brush your teefs.
Interviewer: “What is your biggest weakness?”
Me: “Answering job interview questions correctly.”
If men had periods our commercials would be awesome…
Doctor: Can you stick to a clear liquid diet for a few days?
Me: Sure! Vodka is a clear liquid.
“Dad why was I called Holly?”
cos u were born at a special time of year
“And me dad?”
yes Summer and u too
“And me too dad?”
yes Easter-Egg
If you feel yourself getting sawed in half, he’s probably not a real magician.
The first step to forgiveness is acknowledging that the other person is a complete twat.
I tried a vegan recipe book last night. It was much tastier than any of the recipes in it.
Me: Jesus, are these… are these claw marks in the sand?
Jesus: I put you on the back of an emu lololololol
When you search “Amazon Music”, Google offers a helpful link to the Login page, where you can’t log in but you can check out some tunes by an Artist named Login.
You love to see it, two of the most valuable companies in the world just pranking the shit out of themselves