me (hungover):
Why do I have a photo of me with a fire hydrant?wife:
Because last night you wanted a picture with R2D2.
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I’m gods gift to women if god only shopped at Rite Aid.
ME: Cant sleep. Theres too much going on in the world
MY WIFE: Whats bothering u?
ME: If Garfield didnt have a job, why did he hate Mondays?
A broken heart won’t kill you, but it can make you feel like dying.
*Queen bee in hive*
“You, go pollinate flowers”
“You, go make some honey”
“You, go buzz around some humans and ruin their picnic lol”
Of course you should follow me. I’m funny. Ask anyone. Well, except my mother-in-law. Don’t ask her.
What do we want?
An end to auto-correct errors!
When do we want it?
Cow!
Sow!
Bow!
Tow!
Duck this!
Hide liquor from the teenagers in the laundry room. You’re welcome
Interviewer: can you give me an example of when you overcame a challenge?
Me: yep. I made it here on time even though I got really high an hour ago
Under Bush we had 3 Shrek movies.
Under Obama we had 1.
Can we really trust a president whose #1 goal was to bring down the Shrek franchise?
I have been revising my financial goals for 2023, and I think I am going to start saving up to buy a boat. A gravy boat
It’s all fun in the sun until a swarm of mosquitoes is carrying your kid across the yard.
“Damn! If I wasn’t already married, I’d propose to myself,”
I humbly say as I taste test this homemade mac and cheese.
The lady cutting my hair asked me to lift my head like I was taking a selfie. I don’t know what’s worse, her request or me knowing exactly what to do.
therapist: what do you see?
me: Snoopy
therapist: this one?
me: Charlie Brown trying to kick a football
therapist: I see, and now?
me: Lucy moved the ball
therapist: wtf this is the wrong book
“It seems like many polls are turning against you. How do you respond?”
TRUMP: They should be sent back to Poland. Very dangerous people.
My cat that died 3 years ago got a letter saying she needs to register if she wants to vote, showing how well Florida handles elections.
Watching Prosecuting Evil. Annnnddddd every episode so far is within 100 miles of my house. No worries, absolutely no reason to worry.
Why did it have to be the dog? I have the hubby insured for $1.5 million.
OMINOUS CHANTING
*pentagram starts to glow*
YES! RISE DARK LORD! RISE!
*Satan tosses pillow through portal*
UNGH 5 MORE MINUTES!!!
I’m still upset that my parents didn’t support my dream of becoming an assassin.
“Babe I’m ready for bed”
“Why so early its the weekend?”
[background]
“Next up Channel 6 News reveals Ashley Madison’s local business men”
I’m going for a run. I have some severely unused sexual energy and tension I need to pound out.
I should be back in about eight days.
I put a baby on board sign in the back window of the family van to let people know that my little Johnny is down for whatevs
Why did the terrorist buy himself a new Porsche?
He was going through a midlife ISIS!!
Gosh, some tweeters are super nice.
One guy offered to trim my tree and another one wants to stuff my stockings!
[at Goodwill store]
*buys pants that I gave them 6 months ago*
Director: so, you’ll be playing this regular guy…
Johnny Depp: no thanks.
*finds $20 in the dryer*
*adds money launderer to my resumé*
on paper i am not against my neighbour playing piano all the time but it would be very nice if they played anything other than the pirates of the caribbean theme
My boss says I’m not allowed to begin work emails saying “listen, you stupid f****rs” anymore