The full name for hanky panky is handkerchief pandkerchief
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[french restaurant]
me: do you serve frogs?waiter: no they can’t reach the table
Real life: Woman has a baby and leaves the hospital one to two days after giving birth
TV shows: Woman has a baby and leaves the hospital 30 seconds after giving birth
My kids are giving all the people on this plane a hard lesson in birth control right now.
Pest control guy, pulling a piece of drywall out to reveal an infant sitting inside the wall: Yep you got babies
If the conversation gets too serious take your pants off.
Fun date idea: Put a fake diamond ring in your dessert and act like your date proposed. Men love that.
My garden has produced some sick beets, some smashing pumpkins and some red hot chili peppers.
We go on tour in the fall.
“How do you speak such good English?” “I dunno 200 years of colonialism and eurocentric education, how do you know so little history?”
If zombies eat brains, 90% of Twitter is safe.
if someone asks me if I need help finding something in a department store I like to slowly describe a gun
the cat just jumped in through the window, saunted right through the living room and STOOD ON MY BANANA SANDWICH FOR FIVE SECONDS WITH HIS DIRTY FEET WHILE SCREAMING AT ME FOR BEING LATE WITH HIS LUNCH FOR GODS SAKE
Take me down to Vatican City where the church loves greed and the Pope’s all quitty!
– Nuns N’ Moses
(I’m so sorry)
The year is 2246. Disease and hunger have been eradicated. The terraforming of Mars is complete. The symbol for Save is still a floppy disk.
Who decided that a clown popping suddenly out of a metal box would be a good toy for young children?
Speed Dating
Tell me something about yourself
I have 3 cats
What do u do for fun
I have 3 cats
What are you most proud about
I have 3
Next
A haunted house but it’s just me walking from room to room to see the mass destruction that occurred when I left my kids alone for 5 min to take a shower.
Logic says the screw I dropped should be somewhere by my feet, but science says it’s under the couch in the other room.
Announcer: Has bath time gotten boring? Try Bathtub Weasel! Simply peel open the package and drop the angry weasel into the water!
Bathing woman: It’s so easy! *Splash!* *Horrified screaming*
Announcer: That’s Bathtub Weasel, from the makers of Baby Monitor Lizard! Order now!
My tumbleweed is never where I left it.
Interviewer: what did you bring to the table
Me: in my last job I brought a lot of enthusia-
Interviewer: no what did you just put on my desk
Me: u mean my toad
BOSS: how’s your wife?
ME: still totally not fake
BOSS: what
ME: what
FORTUNE COOKIE: The next play you see will blow your mind!
ABE LINCOLN: is that good
EARTH: Happy Earth Day to me!
SUN: whatever
EARTH: Why does everything have to revolve around you?
SUN: Physics
when i say i like when older men tell me what to do i am talking about yoda and his teachings
Have you ever read a reply so stupid you had to click on the profile to see if the person looks as stupid?
I was kicked out of a strip club last night for throwing twenty quid at one of the strippers.
Ok, I admit it was in pound coins.
I need a way to roll up a car window between me and a person talking to me when I’m not in a car
My friend takes things for granite because she didn’t finish high school
My neighbor called my dog fat the other day. Took me two hours to convince my dog that he just had thick fur.
If I were a serial killer, I’d hide the bodies of my victims in a cave that I’d affectionately call “The cadavern”.