If you’re a pilot with a man bun, I’m calling you Top Bun, and you can’t stop me.
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This all goes a lot faster in the movies.
R.I.P.
I can’t lose weight, that’s where all my fattitude is
FRIEND: To get out of a ticket, just make the cop laugh.
[later]
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: Uh oh here comes the tickle monster
feeling sad today. can everyone please send cute pictures of their credit card, front and back?
I’m the kind of mom who burns one side of the grilled cheese, serves it to her kid with the non-burned side up, and crosses her fingers.
My cat will:
Climb a tree
Walk along a narrow wall
Leap onto the roof
Drop onto a rainwater tank
Jump down to a tiny exposed windowsill
Reverse and jackknife through a small window… all to avoid entering the house via the open front door.
“You have 15 seconds to convince me of why I should call you back. Good luck.”
– my voicemail message
“I asked you to find me some books about birding.”
“Yes, are these titles not helpful?”
“No! These books are all about going out and looking at birds. I don’t want to do that!”
“I’m now equal parts eager and apprehensive to find out what the word ‘birding’ means to you.”
[construction site]
NEW GUY: can i use your hammer
OLD TIMER: no it’s mineFOREMAN: guys remember we’re building a mcdonalds
NEW GUY: can i use your mc hammer
OLD TIMER: u can’t touch this
*5 people I know walk right past me at the store*
Me: *patting mask* thank you
when relatives at your next get together start talking politics, a fun thing to do is say “yeah it’s just like orwell’s 1984,” and then describe the plot of Twilight
My 5yo won a toy from the claw machine, so now I’m going to make him buy me a lottery ticket
Cutting toxic people out of my life. No more “friends” covered in hydrofluoric acid who think it’s “cool” to eat lead
Why are Diva Cups only for women why can’t I win one.
M: there are so many castles for sale in France!
H: but you wouldn’t know anyone there
M: that’s the best selling point there is!
I feel like Google doesn’t really work anymore.
His and her closets is code for “she gets two closets.”
Wish a poltergeist would move in so there’d be someone else to blame when I lose my shit.
My favorite part of The Lion King is the part where Nicki Minaj held up baby Simba.
evening walk in the woods with the grandkids…
Them: Pappy it’s really dark. We’re scared.
Me: You’re scared? I’m the one who has to walk home alone.
I avoid cheating on my spouse by not getting married.
Schrödinger: you see, there’s no way of knowing if the cat is alive or dead
Box: *violently shakes and hisses*
Schrödinger: … it’s a paradox
Box: *screeches threateningly*
Sorry I’m breaking up with you but you have terrible taste in women
When I die and doctors perform an autopsy, they’ll probably find twenty pounds of stickers off of fruit in my intestines
A 12-year-old just yelled out the passenger window of his mom’s SUV that I don’t look very attractive (I’m wearing a mask).
I can’t begin to express how relieved I am that preteen boys want nothing to do with me, so I will never be removing this mask.
“honey let me see” i exclaim at my weeping wife. i finally manaeg to get the pregnancey test off her.i look downe & see the reading. ‘wasps’
Ever feel like you have one foot in a canoe and the other on a banana peel?
HEY YOU WANNA GO FOR A RIDE IN MY TRUCK BABY. NO I WANNA GO TO YOUR HOUSE. MEET YOUR WIFE. MAYBE SHE WANTS TO COME WITH?