Siri, make that person I actually really liked un-hurt my feelings
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My G.F. has a pair of ‘meatloaf’ panties.
On the front, it says ‘I would do anything for love’
On the back it says ‘but I wont do that.’
If you don’t fall in love with me, I’ll write poetry about you and then you’ll regret it.
*sees girl at bar*
Hey baby, wanna get outta here?
“Sure!”
Good, you’re really killing the vibe.
A couple who are silly together stay together.
Skipping is exercise…that’s why I’m always skipping the gym.
Me: Stop over-analysing; not everything has to mean something!
Them: Are you gonna help us compile this dictionary or not?
[first date]
HER: What are you doing with the Tupperware?
ME: [filling container] The sign says ‘All You Can Eat’, it doesn’t specify when
When someone tells me that the best part of their job is getting to talk to people all day, I’m too frightened to ask what the worst part is.
Have a friend who takes pics of her food and then goes to the restroom to delete them all. Instagramorexia Nervosa.
Im so mad Trump pulled out of the Paris Climate Agreement that I’m going to go read the Paris Climate Agreement now.
cab driver: how was your meal?
wife: it didn’t go down as well as we’d hoped
cab driver: that’s too bad
me: *still choking on a fish bone* why is no one helping me?
5 year old: Mommy, I traded 31 emeralds for 41 bread!
Me: Cool! I just did that at Whole Foods
Friend: Take more chances in life.
Me: I wonder who would notice the missing mini fridge first, the hotel cleaning staff or the next guest?
Never noticed how many times the doorbell rings on The Golden Girls? Watch it with a dog.
“What does your mother do for a living?”
“She sells shesells…I mean…Sea sells sea shells…dammit! She’s…a beachside entrepreneur.”
I like when players of opposite teams hug after the game as if to say, “We’re all so very, very rich.”
In high school I was voted Most Likely to Be Shot Dead While Trying to Steal Something of Moderate Value From a Texan.
Hope you’ve already had the back to school conversation with your kids? You know the one where you threaten them to not volunteer you for stuff before asking you first?
Oh sure, when my cat brings you a dead animal it’s because she’s giving you a present, but when I do it, I’m a “psychopath.”
It’s not easy sitting around all day doing nothing. It’s hard to know whether or not you’re done.
Helped a stranger at the gym write a break up text today so yeah, that English degree is really paying off.
Oh honey, when I said I wanted to grind your face I meant with a meat grinder
Memo to self: When trying to set someone on fire, it’s important to use gasOLINE and not your own gas, no matter how much cabbage you may have had the night before.
Me: Help! i need my stomach pumped.
911 Operator: Did you ingest poison, ma’am?
Me: No. Pizza.
Hotel clerk: Sir, how many room keys would you like?
Me: 37
I think the worst thing I would wish on an enemy is that their closet rod is too heavy and crashes off the wall in the middle of the night
Judging by this sunburn, I’d say the sunscreen I lathered on earlier was SPF goddamn liar.
This line from Airplane.