HOT LOCAL SINGLES WANT TO MEET YOU SO THEIR FELONIOUS BOYFRIENDS CAN STEAL YOUR I-PHONE
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Friend: Call me when you wake up
[3 days later]
Me: Okay I’m up!
I’m scared of buying an iPhone X cos there’s a chance mine might get swapped with Brad Pitt’s and since we look 100% alike he can unlock it
[being murdered]
me: this is free, right?
I have an ungodly amount of Taco Bell hot sauce packets for being a grown woman who’s nutritionally responsible for two children.
I used to wave my hands in the air like I just don’t care, but now I just wave them because I get more steps on my FitBit
If not for the cowardly actions of John Wilkes Booth, Abraham Lincoln would have turned 207 today.
*goes to grocery store*
*puts picture of my missing keys on all the milk cartons*
Make sure to tell remind your boss that you need to leave work tomorrow a few hours early, so that everyone will think that you have Valentine’s plans.
Winner of unnecessarily terrifying headline of the year announced:
ME: *first day as a ghost* So we just kind of bug people?
OTHER GHOST: *going to town in a rocking chair* Have anything better to do?
Me: I never remember whether I’m supposed to play dead or make myself as big as possible
My Boss: when you get up, go ahead and close my door and have a seat
[my future self comes back in time]
HIM: here’s every sports score for the next 20 years
ME: great, thanks for ruining the games for me
If you’re ever pulled over by the police just tell them you pay their salary.
“I don’t have that many gray hairs. I’ll just pluck them out.”
aaaaand….now I’m bald.
“I love you but I don’t trust you,” I say to my dog as I put cheese and crackers on the table.
You can tell A LOT about a Woman’s mood just by looking at her hands…
…for example…If she’s holding a gun? She’s probably pissed.
If you’ve ever wondered if your drunk Uncle would make a good President you aren’t wondering anymore.
GOD: Sharp pincers
CRAB: Thats dope
GOD: Hard shell
CRAB: Hell ya
GOD: Delicious legs lmao
CRAB: Wtf
Sister: You need more friends
Me: *phone vibrates* I have plenty of friends. In fact one just texted me
Text: Carol has put your pizza in the oven
Me: Haha that is classic Carol
If you would have told me when I started this account that my dumb parenting jokes would eventually lead to a dream job writing for a Netflix series, I would’ve said that was crazy. Fast forward to today, and I can confirm that it’s crazy. Nothing remotely like that has happened.
The Terminator: I need your clothes
Me: no problem *unbuttons skinny jeans and lays down* pull
The Terminator: ok this isn’t going to work
Me: *holding up a leg* PULL
Witch 1: *crying* the doctor said I can’t have kids
Witch 2: oh no, why?
Witch 1: I need to watch my cholesterol
Hey Dad, your neighbor called,
they wanna know if you could
turn down your TV, they’ve
already heard this episode of
Law & Order.
Personal Trainer: No pain, no gain
Me: Deal
Of course I consume a lot of carbs. I don’t want to get decarbohydrated.
So all them black Harry Potter wizards just sat there and let slavery happen?
the grim reaper driving a taxi full of meats and cheeses call it death cab for charcuterie.
They say if you love something set it free so am I supposed to just leave the front door open or do I drop my kids at the park or something?
[my dog poops]
man: pick it up!
[my dog poops faster]
I was just adoringly watching my dog sleep and he woke up and caught me and now he thinks I’m some stalker weirdo.