I’m 6’ and I’m built like someone who overestimates by four inches
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FRIEND: Women want guys who take charge
ME: ok
[later]
WAITER: [to date] Ready to-
ME: [shoves waiter and grabs notepad] Ready to order?
Can I be wracked with something other than guilt. Like. Can I be wracked with spaghetti.
I just bought a couple of Christmas presents and got a text from my bank like, “Bro, what are you doing?”
[first day as car salesman]
Customer: Cargo space?
Me: Car no do that. Car no fly.
Manager: Can I see you in my office?
I’m in quicksand and then I realize it’s actually oatmeal. I start to eat my way out until I realize there’s no sugar, cinnamon or walnuts. Disgusted, I stop eating and let death embrace me.
[A field]
*An elderly Louie Pasteur and I sit among the clover, I hold a shotgun*
Me: It’s time to put you out to pasture. *Cocks shotgun*
Ever read stuff here on social media and then think to yourself, “Why is NASA diverting asteroids? Just let them come.”
Satan: welcome to hell, the WiFi password is-
Me: wait you have WiFi?
Satan: of course.
Me: well that’s not so bad.
Satan: as I was saying the WiFi password is Pi.
this royal photo stuff… funny how you all suddenly feel like you have a license to talk about women’s bodies… newsflash: some women have zippers in their hair. some women’s legs are too small and oddly bent in on themselves. some women don’t have reflections
I do not envy the youth. Imagine starting college in the year 2022: you’re totally pumped, can’t wait for the best 4 years of your life, and then you find out….your roommate is really into crypto.
Phones have become so expensive that if you fall and hear a cracking sound you pray that it was your leg.
Being married to me:
Pros: you’re married
Cons: to me
So your kid can speak 3 languages?
That’s great. Mine can speak lizard.
Thursday, 4:01pm
“Still there.”
“Yep.”
“Looks blue.”
“It certainly does.”
“Wet too.”
“Totally.”
“See you next week?”
“Count on it.”
Nooooooooo!!!
🌴🌿🪸🍀🌳
When she says she needs more intimacy; she means your feelings, not your colonoscopy report.
As the fridge door was about to shut, I grabbed pizza & barely got my arm out before it closed.
*Legally changes name to Indiana Jones*
It’s easy to make friends as an adult, you just go up to someone you think looks normal & ask them if they’d like to go pick out matching butterfly knives with you, it works for dating & job interviews, too
Why’s everyone wearing green today. did the Hulk die or something
Haven’t lost a game of chess in twenty years, mainly because I haven’t played in that long or what have you.
Today, we celebrate German copywriters refusing to hire English speakers
2020: omg we’re entering hell
2021: ok so how do we make hell cozy
My husband bought a steamer because I don’t iron. I wonder how long it’s going to take him to figure out that I don’t steam?
I tried quitting this mom job but the exit interview was just my kids saying “But why?” for 4 hours straight.
You found a baby spider in here?
-Yeah, but only one.
*Googles avg # of spiders hatched*
*eyes widen*Just. One?
[Never. Sleeps. Again.]
Not to brag but my bank says I have an outstanding balance.
It’s so windy, my dog keeps stopping, looking back at me and dropping that “you gonna fix this shit?” look.
*in the front row of a James Blunt concert raising a sign that says THANK YOU every time he sings the words ‘You’re Beautiful’
Caller ID isn’t enough for Me I need to know why you’re calling.