I just want the confidence of my grandpa in church taking a call from the pharmacy on speaker phone to confirm his Viagra prescription.
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Canadian owl: Eh?
I trust Chick-fil-A so much that I don’t even check my bag and if they get my order wrong I just assume they know what’s best for me.
*aggressively pronounces luncheon like lunch-ee-own*
Buying a new phone isn’t even satisfying anymore. It’s literally just your old phone with a haircut.
Angel: So the sins are deadly.
God: Yep!
Angel: So like, do you die if you commit one?
God: Well, no.
Angel: So why call them deadly?
God: It’s like *waving arms* spooky, you know?
I was watching a YouTube video of a cat jumping whenever a metronome clicked. I thought, “You know the sound is coming! How does it keep startling you?” And then my toast popped up and scared the shit out of me.
wife: are you still reading that stupid dorothy and scarecrow wizard of oz fan fiction
me: i’ll have you know 50 shades of hay is a true literary masterpiece
i’m a 10 (tion deficit)
Son: daddy I drew a dinosaur
Me *looking at the drawing*: no you didn’t
guy who has only been to ikea, walking into his second furniture store: can’t wait to eat the meatballs here
2020: Soooo, you’re feeling pretty good today, huh? Enjoying some down time?
Me: Yeeeaaahhh….why?
2020: How’s your back?
Me: Damn it!
2020: *teehee*
EMT: *uses defibrillator* Okay we got him back
Dad: I was just resting my eyes
My son won a plastic horn at the fair so now our house is filled with obnoxious noise because my husband won’t put it down
I love meeting new people. Not you. Don’t touch me.
I need a Valentine’s Day card that says, “Sorry we keep almost-divorcing during the pandemic.”
Husband: Where are you going?
Me: I have to run a quick errand.
Husband: You’re going to the store to buy dessert and eat it in the car so you don’t have to share it with the kids?
Me: Maybe.
Husband: Let me grab my wallet.
When a relative asks me what I’m doing with my life, I tell more lies than a guy at a computer whose wife just asked him what he’s doing.
boy: i hate being poor
grandpa: were going to fun factory
mr chocolate: hello naughty children its murder time
After years of waiting, I finally walked face first into a sliding glass door at a party. And you know what? It’s a crowd pleaser.
Doctor: I’m afraid we’ve lost him.
Mother: What? But he was just getting a few stitches!
Doctor: It’s just a figure of speech, ma’am, he’s right here in the morgue.
So then I said, “Spit on it first, then see if it’ll fit.”
…And that’s why my wife no longer allows me to help our son with puzzles.
Accidentally opened the Facebook app and now I’m in three pyramid schemes.
Waiter: how would you like your steak cooked.
Me: like finding out the person you’re talking to in your DM’s is actually single.
Waiter: I’ll ask the chef if we can prepare it that rare.
Clarissa didn’t explain this at all
Thought it was real sweet that my daughter (5) gave me a hug in the store until I realized she was trying to steal my credit card.
Husband: Stop introducing me as your first husband.
[traffic stop]
COP: where ya headed?
ME: on my way home
COP: *shining flashlight in my backseat*
ME: look at me when I’m speaking to you
[police station]
I’d like to fill out a police report.
*describes myself to the sketch artist*
I think that at least twice a week it should be acceptable to fall asleep with your clothes on and change to your pj’s to go to work