I love rap beefs, it’s so romantic when two guys sing songs to each other
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*walks past German Shepherd and nods* Officer…
I’m still waiting for my date from last summer to come back from the restaurant’s bathroom…
I hope everything is ok.
i spent way too long on this
3 just stopped what she was doing looked at the sky and said ‘something’s coming’ in case you thought you were going to sleep tonight
Make someone’s head explode by accusing them of being in denial, then nodding condescendingly as they try to deny it.
[Putting on a fitted sheet]
Me: Dammit this is the short side.
Me: This is somehow also the short side.
Cop: before I search your pockets is there anything I should be aware of?
Me: we brush our teeth with hair on a stick and brush our hair with teeth on a stick
Cop: *on radio* get the feds
Text:
OMG! I can’t believe you tweet such
vile, offensive, filthy, sick things.
You should be removed from society.
GET HELP!Love Mom XO
Relationship status: My wife calls me her chauffeur because I drive her nuts…
Nowadays pictures are more filtered than water.
DOCTOR: when was the last time you exercised?
ME: *thinking about holding the thermometer under my tongue* dude you were there
“But you can’t—“
“Shhh. Hush, my love. It pains me as much as it does you. We burned so hot and so bright, but in the end, we knew this day would come. Look at you and look at me. Our religions forbid this.”
Welcome to your 40s: you’re not hungover you’re just awake.
A good way to meet all of your neighbors at once is to take the trash out, in your pajamas.
I hate these new video games that make you talk to other characters. The fact I hate conversations is the reason I’m playing video games.
You can’t have your cake and thigh gap too.
if i owned a bakery, i’d call it That’s How We Roll or Piece of Cake or Nothing’s Awry or We Enable Cookies or We’re Not Sour, Doh! or Torte Reformed or
*bitten by radioactive penguin
*gains ability to not fly
I always wonder if dogs secretly hate playing fetch. If they’re like “these idiot humans keep losing their sticks & it’s up to me to go find them”
[grocery shopping]
ME: oooh my back just cracked
5: mine too. WE’RE A CRACK FAMILY!!
My grandfather tried to warn them about the Titanic. He screamed and shouted about the iceberg and how the ship was going to sink, but all they did was throw him out of the theater.
i got pulled over & my vape was in my cup holder & the cop was like “u know the news saying those things are killing people”
i laughed a lil bit & said “they say the same thing about yall lol”
he ain’t laugh
The child: (hearing someone get mad) you say that word sometimes, Mommy.
Me: What word?
The child: Funking.
Me: No, honey, I don’t ever say funking.
All I want for Valentine’s day is a good night out with my boyfriend
My husband says I’ve got to go out with him! Rude
I invited Jim for dinner
“Jim from church or Jim who travels everywhere by catapult?”
[Loud thud on the roof]
*sigh* “I’ll get the ladders”
Me : One of your friends punched me in the face!
Him : Which one?
Me : I only have one face, Carl.
dating apps aren’t working so it’s time to look confused in a trader joe’s
*planning the destruction of the human race
Super Computer: I will shut down all electronic devices
Cyborgs: We will fight all resisters
Toasters: You guys are amateurs…
Against the wall, on the counter and bent over the couch are the places I like to stretch.
“This is wrong on sooo many levels” I say to my victims as I rob them at gun point on elevators.