Dating a drug dealer in ur early adulthood is absolute necessary character development
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although you definitely do get used to it after a while, the most annoying thing about being 5’11 is that when you’re out in public, you constantly overhear people saying “holy shit, that’s the tallest person i’ve ever seen in my life”
Just overheard someone say, “I wish I had a Kindle that never ran out of batteries.”
You know. Like a book.
Take me with you! I shout to every airplane that flies over my house.
‘To do’ list:
1. grocery shopping
2. pay the rent
3. post grandma’s birthday card
4. try not to kill anyone with my death stare
5. laundry
My husband got new earbuds. Think I’ll skip the middle man and put them straight in the washing machine.
Friend: can I borrow £20?
Me: No.
*slides me £20
Friend: How about now?
[grounding my son]
me: THAT’S IT! You’re out of the school play!
wife (whispering): he doesn’t actually care about that play
me (whispering): I know, I just really don’t want to go to it
Caesar: You will be forced to fight to the death
Gladiator: Hell yeah
Madiator: well this is bullshit
No one makes more observations than a child sharing a stall with his mother inside a public restroom.
My two year old demands that we place her floral print blanket on her shoulders and address her as “baby vampire” and read her “vampire books” (just regular peppa pig books but she’s dressed as a vampire) so I feel I’m parenting correctly
*his phone rings*
Me: who is she?
Him: huh
Me: who is Potential Spam!?
pharmacist: are you getting a booster?
me: high chair please.
Looking at the smoldering corpses of his enemies, Harry Potter thought “damn magic is dope as hell.” #LastLinesFromGreatBooks
The difference between your husband and your Netflix account is, over time, your Netflix account learns what you like.
Nah nah nah nah nah nah nah nah…..
A penguin suit mysteriously arrives at work. No label. No explanation. You try it on, just for fun. When you turn to show your colleagues, you realise they’re all dressed as leopard seals. You flee.
Sorry for the things I said when my sock got twisted up in my shoe.
My theory is that the captain of the Titanic crashed on purpose because the band kept playing songs off their new album
Yes liquor stores are essential businesses, today it was essential that I get port to go with my cigars.
I’ve written a musical called Fish.
It’s very similar to Cats… although Memory’s a lot shorter.
Oh no, my favorite furniture store is going out of business again still.
I bet you could move to the UK and start calling people a, “bleeding tea cozy mop ringer” and it would eventually catch on
It’s kill or be killed. Or eat a sandwich. Maybe go for a light jog. Draw a picture of a duck. There are a lot of options out there.
My kid is really into Animorphs, so I think he is going to love whatever The Human Centipede is.
Call me when you have $50,000 and you’ll get your little girl back. Call in the next five minutes and I’ll throw in a second kid as a gift.
Me: But where do you see this relationship in five years?
Her: Sir! For the last time, do you want extra cheese or not?
I sure wish my boss would accept that “new challenges” are never going to excite me. Like I majored in English solely because I already knew how to speak it
Old enough to remember when infectious laughter had a positive connotation
if all my dreams come true then the next time i go grocery shopping i’ll start mopping up a spill because suddenly i work there but then realize i forgot to wear pants so i’ll try to run home but my legs are made of rubber and then all my teeth fall out so stop wishing that on me
If your partner asks, “Do you love your phone more than you love me?”
Lie.