an attractive man on the internet called me pretty, so I sent him my finger nails in the mail. i’m so nervous lol what if he doesn’t reply??
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[blind date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a customer service representative.
Me: Cool. Our date is important to me. Please hold. I’ll be back in an hour.
recently discovered you can push text scammers to their breaking point simply by playing along with the scam
*reaches the end of the rainbow
*discovers leprechauns guarding ripe avocados
Is it a compliment when someone says, “You look great, I didn’t even recognize you?”
Cashier: Did you find everything?
Me: Did you hide something?
An hour into this 15 minute recipe and I’m still dicing onions.
Dissecting someone who’s really cute is an awwwtopsy.
[boss finds pics of me snowboarding]
“You missed work bc you said you were sick…& judging from these pics, YOU WERENT LYING”
*fist bump*
Blocking anyone who tries to motivate me.
4 a.m.
9-yr-old: DADDY I JUST HAD A NIGHTMARE
daddy: mine’s just starting
Biker gang: Well, well, well. Would you look at this fancy boy.
Me: Don’t push me.
Biker gang: Oh yeah? What are you gonna do about it?
Me: *removes bonnet* I said, don’t push me.
I’ll never get picked for jury duty because I’d be the one on trial…..
Congrats on your beautiful newborn, one day you will look under her bed and know why you have ants.
You don’t fully know your own strength until someone tries to pull you onto a dancefloor against your will.
[pretends my phone rings while on date] i gotta take this. hello? oh hi [watches date for reaction]… the teenage mutant ninja turtles
You can always predict what antigay protesters will say. But never how they’ll spell it.
My kids made a toy phone for the baby so he can call his baby friends, and I’m like, come on, be real. He’s a baby. He doesn’t have friends.
My son walked into the kitchen and said I bet you don’t know what 47 divided by by 4 is and when I told him 11 remainder 3 he said thanks and walked back to the room he was doing his homework in. It was a smooth transition. But now I understand the play and it won’t happen again.
Why it’s called a cellular membrane and not a gene-jacket I’ve no idea.
contortionist: what’s wrong?
proctologist: your head’s in the way
Got capsaicin in my eye again. I, justly, blame the squirrels.
My GPS told me to drive up an off-ramp to get onto a highway going the wrong direction so I’m going to pass on getting into a self-driving car, thanks.
My 3yo is wearing a hoodie backwards and is storing snacks in the hood and I am in amazement that I created something this magnificent.
kid: whats the meaning of life?
me: life is like a bag of Doritos, when you get to a point where you think youve had enough, you notice there isnt much left in the bag, so you just power through to the end
kid: where do babies come from?
me: babies are like a bag of Doritos…
I bought my friends an elephant for their room.
They said: Thank you.
I said: Please don’t mention it.
Doctor: You have to stop eating donuts…
Me: OK
D:…so that I can start the operation.
M: [STUFFING DONUT UNDER OXYGEN MASK] For later.
WE ARE CURRENTLY EXPERIENCING HIGH CALL VOLUMES. WE RECOMMEND HOLDING THE PHONE AWAY FROM YOUR EAR.
wife: I’m having a baby.
me: *handing menu back to waiter* I’ll have a baby as well.