*Do you wish to send?
*Are you sure?
*For real?
*Have you been drinking?
*Really?
*What time is it?~How my send button should function
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ONLY text me in an emergency. Like my car’s shooting flames from the trunk, one of my exes dies eventfully, or if someone thinks I’m sexy.
Using “Hello” as a greeting
– boring
– uninspired
– predictableUsing “Hiya” as a greeting
– casually playful
– conveys enthusiasm
– leaves door open for karate
Me: Please stop asking me a question every five seconds. I just want to sit on this couch and rest.
Therapist: Umm…you do know where you are, right?
Me: AGAIN with the questions!!
I can’t go to jail…
I have serious food allergies!
BREAKING: Justin Bieber expresses interest in being baptized. Over 4 million people volunteer to hold his head under water.
Remember in your 20s when you sat upright to eat
It always starts out “you’re so funny” and ends with “oh dear… oh my god… wtf”
People would be more motivated to lose weight if the weight they lost went on to someone they didn’t like. 🤷🏻♀️ 🍩
Him: pick up those new bareskin condoms.
*later*
Him: why is there hair on this & wtf, is that a claw?
Me: next time get them yourself. Do you know how hard it is to skin a bear?
Billion dollar idea: Meth with Flouride
People just talk about spiders but how many paper towels do you think you eat every year
got so drunk last night that I ate a salad
Going to the place where all the good snacks are: The Gas Station
Selfies are just sad reminders that you have no friends willing to take pictures of your face and cleavage.
Customer service: how can I help you?
Me: yeah, I’d like to change my security question. My favorite kid is now Josh
Nothing makes me scream louder during sex than when my husband calls to let me know he’s on his way home from work.
I am absolutely no good at dumping people. I couldn’t even bring myself to switch drycleaners until my old one died…
*Joe Biden nibbles Obama’s ear*
– Please stop it
*Joe whispers* Say it
– No go away
*angrily whispers* Say it!
– …please stop Biden my ear
I am responsibility with layered up reliability and a slap trustworthiness and dash of loyalty. I’m like a dependable sandwich with a glass of commitment on the side.
I don’t always cook dinner but when I do, I use every pan in the kitchen.
NINE MONTHS LATER, A FIRE TRUCK WAS BORN
we planned to renew our vows but my wife got cold feet so we are just regular married still
Once upon a time (today) I had to help with pre school homework
Me: -holds up yellow
Me: What color is this?
4: McDonalds
The end
You can usually win any arm wrestling contest by simultaneously leaning in for a kiss.
Granola Bars, for when you’re hungry & also want to teach your mouth a lesson
“I got in a fight at Michaels over glitter glue once, so you should probably step aside.”
-Me, to a guy buying the last of my favorite wine
[Drives date home]
ME [stops and revs engine sexily] I had a great time tonightDATE: [climbs off my lawnmower] I did not
date: “i like dangerous guys, are you dangerous?”
[thinking about the amount of plugs i have in one outlet behind the tv]
me: “yes i am”