In hindsight, naming my family portrait studio Let Me Shoot Your Kids, was probably not the best business decision.
You Might Also Like
{Very hip bar at which I don’t want to be}
ME: Can I have a, *sigh* deconstructed vodka?BARTENDER: *Hands me a potato and charcoal* $43.
Live, Laugh, Love
Leer, Lunge, Lactate
Do things that start with L
My toddler wanted to take a spatula to the zoo and after a fierce round of negotiations I was able to talk her down to a spatula and a throw pillow.
Thoughts & prayers for my son who thought his phone was charging overnight only to find he must go to school on 6%
You’ve been kidnapped. Your kidnappers allow you to keep tweeting to pretend everything is alright. What would you tweet that would alarm your followers without the kidnappers knowing you’re asking for help?
“And then I put in the exact amount of garlic the recipe called for.”
If “she’ll be riding six white horses when she comes”, she’s probably a little more woman than I can handle.
Maybe, if I sit very still, this nice family at Olive Garden won’t notice that I’m sitting at their table eating their bread sticks.
I picked one hell of a year to stop drinking.
[Haunted House]
Ghost:You’ve been here a week
Me: I like you
G:You knew what this was
M: I thought I was your boo
G: I say that to everyone
[orchestra]
VIOLIN 1: *pssst* Can I ask you a dumb question?
VIOLIN 2: Um, okay.
V1: What’s up w/the guy in front waving his arms around?
BRUCE WAYNE: [enters meeting room still wearing Batman cape] what’s first today?
NEW GUY: OMG Bruce Wayne is Bat-
INTERN: [covering new guy’s mouth] we pretend we don’t know
[he picks me up on 1st date]
Him: What do you have there?
Me: [struggling, crawling to his car because my backpack is weighing me down] Ham.
My wife accused me of spending too much time on twitter. That’s funny, when did I get a wife?
Where have you been all of my life and can you please go back there.
Panda: am I too pudgy?
God: I have a better question.
Panda: ok.
God: what’s black and white and red all over?
Panda: I don’t know.
God: it’s you.
Panda: b-but I’m not red.
God: [leans in] you’re perfect just the way you are.
Panda: [blushing].
Sick and tired of my bank account taking a hit whenever I buy stuff.
me: will i go to jail in the future
psychic: no
me: gimme your wallet and empty the register
If you can’t beat them, try again when they’re sleeping.
If a stranger starts talking to me in an elevator I say “I don’t want to talk in case we get stuck and I have to eat you” that usually shuts them up.
If you see me jogging, please kill whatever the hell is chasing me.
too much pressure deciding when to look at a person walking towards me on the sidewalk
it may not be my circus, but if I’m being honest… more often than not, it is my monkey
There are two wolves inside me, one just took a brisk 1 hr walk while a drinking a gallon of water and the other binged an entire show and downed a pint of ice cream.
date: so how are you?
me: I’m doing good! how are-
guy behind me: you mean you’re doing “well”
date: who the hell is that
me: I told you I had a corrections officer
I don’t understand what someone gets out of arguing with a complete stranger.
Fight with your family like the rest of us.
Remember , for some unknown reason Santa doesn’t make batteries .
Sci-fi is when Wonder Woman fights villains from outer space, fantasy is thinking Wonder Woman will go on a date with you.
Doctor: Are you getting enough exercise?
Me: Define “you”
I run from my car all the way to the front door of McDonald’s because fitness is a lifestyle
SOME OF MY FRIES WERE TOO SHORT TO COMFORTABLY DIP IN MY KETCHUP AGAIN WHY ME LORD