The woman doing my nails said the last person did a terrible job and I should start coming to her instead.
I guess she doesn’t remember me.
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It just isn’t as fun to rob banks any more.
got my gf a manicure for our anniversary
The more we travel into the mountains the more little critters I see. A rabbit will run across the road, then a squirrel, then a crab. What?
*waits for you to fall asleep*
*rolls out from under your bed*
*moisturizes your knees and elbows*
I’m scared of buying an iPhone X cos there’s a chance mine might get swapped with Brad Pitt’s and since we look 100% alike he can unlock it
My mama didn’t raise no fool.
Instead I was raised by a pack of idiot wolves.
I’m haunted by unanswered questions, like after the clock struck one and the mouse ran down, what happened next
My kids’ french fries were fried in peanut oil and the way I see it that counts as protein
You didn’t comment on my selfie.
WHO IS SHE
Just lean back in your chair and say “caloric”. It’s exhilerating.
I’m allergic to bears. One bear bite and it’s straight to the ER for me.
My sister and I were in an elevator and a lady got huffy and told us to speak English, so we obliged her and continued our conversation about her in English.
I just bought ibuprofen from Costco so if anyone has any aches or pains, I can help 16,000 of you
Interviewer: And your references?
Me: 90’s television mostly.
[First day working in an optometrists]
Me: They’re called reading glasses but they don’t actually read. You still have to do that.
Optometrist: Can I see you in my office?
Me: *nudges customer* I would hope so lol
Our friends have canceled our dinner plans 3 nights in a row …. I’m starting to think they really don’t like dinner.
[Baseball game]
ME: [giggle] I love how they named the positions in the game after the bases of sex
HIM: What? No, baseball came first
ME: ok I’m pretty sure sex came before baseball
[anniversary dinner]
HER: tell me something that will make my heart race
ME: my credit card got declined
I like it when it’s raining, because I can hold my umbrella really low and it makes everyone headless.
Dear resealable chocolate bag, your confidence in my self-control was truly inspiring. And you were delicious.
*first day as crime scene investigator*
*Removes sheet covering victim*
*replaces it with a sheet that has pockets*
*instantly becomes new favourite of all my female coworkers*
Her: I can’t believe you’re leaving me. Is there someone else?
Me: I’ve told you, Brenda, I just really need to focus on my karate right now.
Her: But you’re 57 and a green belt.
Me: Exactly.
Eating in my 40s is confusing: I’m young enough that I still need to take care of my body, but old enough that I don’t want to risk having a salad as my last meal.
🤣🤣🤣
friend: I love your cookies
me: it’s a secret family recipe
friend: wow
me: please don’t tell my husband about my secret family
*has no idea what a book even is*
[first date]
ME: Don’t let her know you’re a teacher
HER: [eats mint from purse] So, w-
ME: I HOPE YOU BROUGHT ENOUGH FOR THE WHOLE CLASS
I gave a man a fish. I taught a man to fish.
Fish aren’t all that happy with me right now.
Nissan keeps sending me emails with my monthly vehicle health report. I hope the car is healthy but I haven’t owned it for 3 months.
When you gaze into the abyss sometimes the abyss pats you gently on the hand and says she’s just not that into you.