Look, ice cream has eggs in it, therefore it is a breakfast food.
You Might Also Like
11 lost a tooth the other day. He threw his tooth in the garbage, walked over to my wallet and took out $2.
He’s a better tooth fairy than I ever was.
*handshake*
wow, soft hands! u must’ve never worked a day in ur life
[coming off a 9 hour shift at the Vaseline factory] “u dont know me.”
My boss: “Sean, what do you know about Twitter?” Me: “nothing. Why? What have you heard?”
I’ve been listening to the official workout station on Pandora for 3 months and I’m still fat, I’m calling bullshit.
Not interested in your mayonnaise-based holidays
*Googles: How to fake your own death and erase existence before 9am monday morning.
Sure I’d love a long chat. Let me make you more comfortable. *slides a cactus plant between us*
If you start your emails with “Greetings” let me be the first to welcome you to Earth.
CUT, CUT!! [Music stops]
LOOK IT’S A WESTERN MUSICAL
[Rubs temples] YOU HAVE TO KEEP THE COWBOY HAT ON-
[Cat runs off] Meow!
Edward Scissorhands is the story of someone who can’t help cutting and poking holes in everything he loves. It’s about a cat.
[in basement lab]
wife: you cant just make your own honey
me: (mouth dry, spitting pollen everywhere) I know that now Lisa.
Me: *hears a stealthy footstep in the hallway*
Me: “This is your third time up. Go back to bed.”
7yo: *frantically* “Wait — wait Daddy –”
Me: “Whatever it is, tell me in the morning.”
7yo: *gasp* “IfYouWereADolphinYou’dBeDeadAlready
BecauseDolphinsOnlyLiveThirtyYears.”
waiter: would you like a box
me: how is it prepared
“STOP TELLING ME WHAT TO DO”, I yell to my 5 year old.
Q: My daughter will not eat fish, what can I replace it with?
A: A cat. Cats love fish.
The difference between just buying your teenage son some food on the way home and texting him to ask what he wants is approximately $30.
I’m fearfully awaiting the day my alarm clock becomes self-aware and the snooze button hits me back.
Me: You said you wouldn’t dream of disturbing me
my kid: Yeah, but this isn’t a dream
Everyone asks me when I’m gonna start a family but no one asks me when I’m gonna stop a family
Too bad you can’t get abs from laughing at your own jokes because I would be shredded.
invited to a party: will there be food?
to a wedding: will there be food?
to the gym: will there be food?
to an orgy: will there be food?
to an intervention: will there be food?
to be a human trial subject for experimental brain surgery: will there be food?
I saved a ton of money on cool sports cars, vacation getaways and NFL season tickets by having children.
God: Done
Angel: you can’t be finished
God: I am
Angel: but that’s a hairless cat-
God: aaand send
the first person to see a peacock spread his tail probably had a heart attack
I call people weirdos a lot for someone who can’t leave their house without checking the stove 3x even If I haven’t cooked on it since 2009.
Okay everybody it’s Zero Hour for this website, post your favorite tweets and give them a little kiss goodbye.
I watched Mad Max and now I’m riding my dog around my living room using two bananas as guns