MAYOR: I now present you a key to the city
ME: So long, suckers!
*hops in city and drives away*
MAYOR: Come back! I need that for work!
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Day one back at school and my daughter coughed and I told her if she does that again she’s grounded
Where’d he go? 😂💛
doggosbeingdoggos
I could EASILY beat the Predator in a rap battle cuz what’s he gonna do? Click at me? Ok loser
*finds all 7 dragonballs
*dragon appears* “WHAT IS YOUR WIS…OH GODDAMMIT CHAD, FOR THE LAST TIME I CANNOT MAKE PEOPLE RESPECT NICKELBACK”
My ex from highschool followed my new dog’s Instagram account and dm’ed her “I don’t like your mom” LMAO IM DYING
Me: His palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy, there’s vomit on his sweater already, mom’s spaghetti
Build a bear employee: no we have nothing like that
It’s like my dad always said, “Distract the security guard.”
I hate when I’m cleaning my house and accidentally watch three seasons of a show.
Mom: What’s going on in there?
Me: Nothing mom, just watching women’s tennis
An 8 year old just asked me why people in electric cars don’t get electrocuted when it rains and now we’re checking Google
date: what are you thinking about
me: fall should be spelled fa//
date:
me:
date: fell should be spelled fe_ _
*we kiss*
If you have never had a friend that you haven’t contemplated leaving at a gas station forever I applaud you.
Hey tiny front pocket on a t-shirt… Watcha doin’ there buddy?
BOSS: Show the new guy around.
(Hours Later)
NEW GUY: I think the boss meant around the office.
ME: *holding my model planes* You don’t like my house?
Got excited because I thought my wife bought ice cream at the store.
Eye cream. It was eye cream.
It’s a real shame Friday doesn’t come as quick as I do
I get it, artificial Christmas tree. I also can’t fit in my pre-Christmas box.
COP: Do u know why I pulled u over?
ME: *looks at the penguin in my passenger seat* God damnit Ralph I told u to put ur seatbelt on.
The beatles purposefully wrote catchy songs to generate interest in their band
Even though it says it right there in the show’s title, I’m always disappointed when Unsolved Mysteries aren’t neatly wrapped up by the end of the ep.
Having pets adds 5 years to your life. Have thousands of pets, never stop owning pets. Become immortal. Laugh as your foes grow old and die
I don’t pluck my unibrow to look good, I do it because McDonald’s sued me for illegal use of the double arches.
Fries, not lies.
the perfect lunchbox d̶o̶e̶s̶n̶’̶t̶ ̶e̶x̶i̶s̶t̶
Drug dealers are always late. If your drug dealer is on time, it’s the police.
If a coworker asks to borrow your pen – sniff it and say, “I think this one is safe” and see if they’ll take it from your hand.
Wife: Can you take the kale chips out of the oven?
Me: Sure. Can you hold the trash open?
Clearly something went amiss when I said I liked an animal in the bedroom and he showed up with a raccoon.
What if the Bad News Bears literally gave you bad news?
Bear 1: You’re adopted
Bear 2: The cancer is terminal
Bear 3: This tweet ain’t funny
Judge: I’d like to call recess.
Defense Attorney: *running with hands in air* I call the slide!
Bailiff: *still zipping coat* Wait for me.