When my kids are grown, I’m coming over to their house and taking their forks and then scattering them around town.
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To avoid another embarrassing moment like when I was stood up on prom night, I always keep at least 1 penguin around.
Let’s just call a cruise ship that’s sailing exclusively for married couples what it really is…….a battleship
I was sad because I had no shoes, until I met a man who had no feet. So I said, “Got any shoes you’re not using?”
Hey little kid throwing a tantrum at the store cuz your mom won’t buy you that “sugary” cereal, I buy my kids that sugary cereal.
I’m not sure how many biscuits it takes to be happy, but so far it’s not twenty seven.
I purposely bought a small house so I could say “I’m sorry, I don’t have any room”
Airport: come like 3 hours early
Ok what gate do I go to
Airport: not telling until last minute 🤫
I had a friend call to say they’re on their way over. I couldn’t think of an excuse fast enough to tell them I’m not home after I told them I was home when I answered the call.
The moral of the story? Don’t answer the phone. Ever.
I made a wish and threw a bitcoin in the fountain. Now my laptop won’t boot anymore.
Nobody:
Toy Makers: KIDS ARE PROBABLY HARD OF HEARING SO MAKE SURE EVERYTHING IS LOUD
Boss: And what’s your ideal salary?
Me: Well how much does the position pay?
Boss: That depends on how much you THINK it pays
Me: What if I overestimate how much it pays?
Boss: Then we won’t hire you
Me: What if I underestimate?
Boss: Congrats! You’re our ideal candidate!
Me: look at this stupid thing lol
Person I want to like me: actually I studied that thing at sea for 3 decades and it’s like a father to me
I yelled at my cat and the other cats yelled at me like wow k pay my mortgage then
What I say: hold on with two hands
What my kid hears: hold on with as few hands as possible, preferably none
Wife: He’s just so literal all of the time, he gets so confused
Psychiatrist: Is this true?
Me: [worried] Are u really gonna make me shrink?
If I like you I keep you close, if not I keep you at a distance so I can mime squishing your head between my thumb and forefinger.
i once saw a pigeon on the subway & it got off at the financial district & all i could think was “cool. that bird makes more money than me”
[campfire]
Me: (flashlight to face) “af” didn’t exist.
Millennials: (gasp)
Me: We had to use “adverbs.”
(one faints)
He obviously thinks I’m some kind of maritime explorer, like calm down Magellan
It was when I stabbed a Capri Sun perfectly the first time, right in that grey circle, that I knew I wanted to be an assassin.
[1st time buying drugs]
Me: can I get a *reads smudged notes on hand* married iguana
Guy: *opens coat to reveal married iguanas*
Me: hell ya
Me: *staring into mirror*
Bloody Mary, Bloody Mary, Bloody Mary
*skeleton bartender appears and slides me a drink*
SB: $8.50, $8.50, $8.50
a man on a dating app just asked how he could find out more about me. he’s going to lose his mind when he finds out about questions
me: [to woman next to me] blow on it for luck
craps dealer: no soup at the table
I buy my shoes three sizes too big so if I run into a clown posse I’ll have automatic street cred.
To ensure my wife misses me while I’m away, I changed her text notification to the sound of a door creaking open & message her at midnight.
“How much for this toaster?”
“An arm & a leg.”
“How about a leg & 2 fingers?”
“A leg & 3 fingers.”
“Deal!”
– Cannibal Pawn Stars
My cousin is 3 months pregnant and my really old uncle keeps commenting on her pics “woah. any day now, Bernice” and I’m literally crying laughing
Prince Charming: check out the babe
Doc: oh that’s Snow White, she’s dead
Prince Charming: I should kiss her
Doc: do you really think that might bring her back to life?
Prince Charming: bring her what now?
[harry potter, college edition]
Voldemort: the boy who lived, come t-
Harry: yeah yeah just kill me already
Voldemort: wh-what
Harry: i’m $100k in debt and i have a masters in communications
Voldemort: *giggling* on second thought nevermind