Did you hear about the latest James Bond movie where he procrastinates about coloring his hair?
It’s called Dye Another Day
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Me: how was school?
My daughter: ok but some of the boys decided to not wear masks and I did not need to see their faces.
Batman: “Shall we watch a film?”
Superman: “Have you got Cape Fear?”
Batman: “Only in revolving doors. Now, a film?”
When I die, just throw the laundry in my grave with me. I want to die exactly as I lived.
[pushes panic button in the middle of MRI]
Tech: Are you okay? Do you have any questions?
Me: Yeah. Who sang the song that was just playing?
*carries 11 bags of groceries and like a whole mattress on one arm and my phone in my free hand*
Having to redownload the HBO app on four devices was the worst thing to happen to me since COVID.
He was a sperm,
she was an egg
can i make it anymore ovulous
If corporations are people then that’s really gross because we walk inside of them all the time.
Did you know that Icy Hot remains on your fingers 6 hours after application? Well I do, because I wear contacts.
I’m at my most superstitious when there’s no wood in sight so I knock on paper three times. Hey, it’s made from trees and I don’t want to jinx myself.
Told my 10 y/o daughter that even though I got a big promotion at work my most important job is still just being her dad and she said, “that’s nice” and asked me to get her a glass of water.
Whoever removed the 30th and 31st from February, come get the 14th too
fighting against the coronavirus by wildly swinging a broom as though there is a bird in the house
Going home on lunch breaks is great till you realize that means you have to go to work twice
Day 4 of quarantine – my dog wants me to go to work
I don’t know about eating 8 spiders a year but I’m definitely eating kilos of dog fur.
My 5yo son at a cookout, “Where are the scrambled eggs?”
John Travolta is the only person in history to have ever had chills that were capable of doing math.
Me: *spits soup into bucket*
Chef: This isn’t that kind of tasting.
*staring directly into the sun* is this meditation am I meditating
we’re a divided nation, conflicting on class, ideology, creed, and yet there is one thing we can come all together on, no matter what: younger brothers play Luigi
My Cat: REMEMBER THE PACTS FORGED BETWEEN OUR PEOPLES LONG AGO.
Me: Stop it, it’s 6 in the morning.
Cat: YOU PLEDGED ETERNAL SERVITUDE.
Me: I did not.
Cat: IN EXCHANGE WE WOULD COME TO YOUR AID IN YOUR HOUR OF NEED.
Me: I’m not feeding you.
Cat: REMEMBER THE PACTS.
This is going to be my year.
WebMD: paranoid schizophrenia
5, leaps down from high furniture onto floor and sees my horrified expression: look Mom, I’m really nervous-ing you up!
My wife is so married that she even stopped blowing out the candles on her birthday cake cause she doesn’t want me gettin’ any ideas.
Me: I’ve been beset upon by a horrible malaise
My body: You’re hungry
Me: something has changed, inside I’m filled with naught but darkness
Body: eat literally any food
Me: will I ever know peace again?
Farmers are always so proud of themselves until you ask if they can put the milk back in the cow
I got flipped off three times by the same woman during rush hour today. I’m never driving my wife to work again.
“I don’t buy flowers for girls because they die” yeah well so do the flowers
Me: are you or are you not my people?
My sister: I am, but I’m still not driving 3 hours to get you a bagel.