Yesterday I took my first grade class to meet our new librarian. After leaving, one 6yo asked me if the old librarian left because she wanted to read different books.
You Might Also Like
My 6 year old brothers teacher asked the class what’s their favorite season and he said garlic powder 😭😭😭😭
“Whatcha doin’, Phil?”
“Some guy on the internet says he’ll pay fifty bucks a pop for beaver shots.”
if elon musk married bill gates he would be elongates
really makes you think 🤔
a man on a dating app just asked how he could find out more about me. he’s going to lose his mind when he finds out about questions
How come in movies, all vampires hang out at techno/electro clubs? You never see a vampire country bar. I want to see vampire line dancing.
Nice try, cheese graters, cheese is already great.
I am rebranding my disorganized and cluttered house as a ‘masterclass of maximalism’
All I’m saying is if I was murdered there’d be a lot of suspects
My boss: There are no stupid questions
Me: Do people get discounted manicures if they’re missing a finger?
My boss: I’m going home early
At times like this, I ask myself “what would Jesus do?” and then I hide in a cave for three days
ME: *slamming desk with fist* You’ll put this up over my dead body!
FUNERAL DIRECTOR: It’s a lovely headstone.
ME: It really is.
Throw the donuts in a food dehydrator so you can fit more in your wallet.
I don’t ask for much but can someone please take away the share function on Wordle?
Nobody is hungrier than a child who’s just been told it’s time for bed.
My boys from the living room:
“I’m telling mom!”
Me from the bedroom:
“don’t come tell mom shit!”
Lost 4 stone and feel great, but it started with a trip to India where I got the shits, came back and everyone said well done on diet, had to carry on as I didn’t want to explain about the shits.
Her: What’s with the dozen donuts?
Me: They’re for my meeting at work.
Her: Isn’t it a zoom meeting?
Me: And?
Pay no attention to the man behind the crouton!
I’ve grown more powerful but in a completely useless way.
If I learned anything from Peter Pan, it’s that I can leave my dog to watch my kids while I go out and party.
Interviewer: What skills can you bring to this company?
Me: I can kill a spider without screaming.
Interviewer: Your office will be next to mine.
Wait… we’re supposed to be learning from our mistakes?!
Co-worker: How are you today?
Me: *starts writing death threats on the wall in period blood.*
Me: Busy day?
Singer: Working on my scales
Map maker: Same
Scale maker: Same
Mountain climber: Same
Guy who draws fish: Same
3 y/o, sobbing : I’VE JUST SWALLOWED MY SUPERMAN TOY!
Me: Ok calm down. I know exactly what you’ve got to do.
3 y/o: what?
Me: You’ve got to search for the hero inside yourself.
Not sure if I should be more concerned about the son who locked me out of my bedroom today, or the one who showed me how to pick the lock.
I’d rather get killed by the Blair Witch on the first night than have to camp another night.
[in bed]
gf: I thought we could experiment with toys
me: fine, but not my buzz lightyear
I believe the children are our future.
But my 3-year-old finished his juice & then got mad because he thought someone else finished his juice, so that future might be in trouble.
like people say things like ‘tuna fish’ but not ‘duck bird’ or ‘dad father’